I'm not dead.

Time for brutal honesty.

This morning I felt pretty happy. I stayed up all night. I'm always happier in the morning when I haven't slept all night. I was happy. I bounced around. I met Daz and nicked half a packet of proplus from Tesco on the way to school. Got to school. Did double French.

Hadn't done homework so I got sent out along with three other kids in my class. Whatever, not bothered really. The other french teacher comes through the corridor bit and rather snottily said something about assuming none of us obviously wanting a pass grade. Course, this is me and I am a stupid, big mouthed git with no self control so I said that was unfair. She started yelling, I yelled back, yada yada yada. You know how it goes. So yeah, she then sent me out into the other corridor. So I got sent out of French, then sent out of where I'd been sent out to originally. Marvellous.

Had to go back at lunch to do the sheet that I was meant to do for homework but didn't because I didn't understand it. The teacher explained it to me again. Still don't... really get it. It's more like maths than you might imagine. My mood by then had slipped down considerably.

I said this was going to be brutally honest. I might as well not bother with hiding my secrets and scars. While my teacher was talking at me about verbs and pronouns and I was stood there feeling stupid and useless and everything, I could feel this heat behind my eyes. Heat in my eyes, prickling heat right at them and in the corners, and I knew I was going to cry unless I stopped myself. So I was digging in my nails as sharply as I could to my hips. I didn't cry.

By the time I'd finished the fucking French sheet lunch was nearly over. I went to the block where all my friends were and sat against the wall, with Joe on one side, pretty much making out with Grace, and Hattie on the other, who was talking to Fi about some boy that they all know but I don't. So I leant against the wall and felt pretty low and ignored, then Rory said something to me, which was alright. Joe also kind of dragged me towards him when the bell went, so I got a bit of a Joe hug for the first time in god knows how long. Which was nice. I miss him.

Then came PE. Ah. This is when it went really really tits up. We did basketball, and I actually really went for it. Running like a lunatic, I was. Then we finished the game and my chest was thumping and hurting, really bloody hurting and I was breathing heavily, gasping, and my neck was hot. My neck.

Alright, yeah, so I'm probably not very fit. But yeah. You see my point, I kind of needed a breather? I ran around in our second, crappy little game for a bit till it was my turn to get water.. I went out to the tap thingy and practically collapsed against it, I sat on the carpeted floor clutching this water fountain and gasping.

Then someone opened the door and started walking down the corridor so I knelt up, drank and went back into the hall we were playing basketball in. I couldn't play again. I leant against the wall and sank down a bit, I felt sick and my heart was thumping in my chest. I sat there for a bit, face in my hands. My teacher came over and started getting all pissy with me. I told her I felt ill. "In what way do you feel ill?" I burst into tears.

Not deliberately, in case you were wondering.

So, yeah... she told me I could "take a few minutes out" -_-.
I sat against the wall with my face in my hands and cried, till Aysha came and sat down beside me. She was really sweet actually. She was like "What's up?" I was like "...eh...stuff :/"
Then I got up and told her I didn't fancy crying in front of my PE class, then walked outside and sat in the fresh air. And I was alone there, so I did cry. I cried hard.

Kept crying all the way back to the changing rooms, rubbing at my face with my fingers and thinking about how no one ever seems to really care about anything. I got into the changing rooms. I cried, just a little, putting my trousers on. Hattie gently asked if I was ok and I full on burst into sobbing again. She put her arms round me and I sort of collapsed into her shoulder and chest for a minute or two. It was... weird. Not in a bad way. I just don't remember the last time someone comforted me like that. It just doesn't tend to happen. It was nice, though.

But I was just... a mess. I couldn't stop crying. So I walked home, deciding it was better to not go to science than to go to science and make a fool of myself and drown everyone. Went home. Made pathetic noises at my mum for a bit. She did that thing she always does where she tries to sort of comfort you but ends up almost having a go at you... yeah, it's weird.

I can't be bothered to explain any more. But yeah, that was pretty much my day.

great first day back or what?