"They can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out."

There are many things in the world which are undesirable to be. One of those things, in my eyes at least, is a cliche. And I'm afraid that I in a way am becoming or have become one of those.

I'm a teenager and while it would be lovely to be one of those kids who always acts happy go lucky and seems to just get on with everyone, I'm not one of those kids. I never have been.

I'm not happy go lucky. I'm not that easygoing. I'm understanding but I'm not always all that accepting. I'm not well behaved but i'm not one of those super cool "i'ma rebel" type kids, either. When I got in trouble as a young kid, it was for either not concentrating and working too slowly, or for being nasty.

Times don't change that much, when you think about it.

(When I say being nasty, I don't mean I bullied little kids for their smarties or anything. I mean I was in some fights and I bit a girls shoulder this one time... and she bled and cried... but yeah, lets not go into that little area...)

But yeah. Cliches and all that stuff. I'm teenage. Yes, I'm a teenager and I'm a girl. So a teenage girl, all in all. We're now very dangerously close to cliche territoiry... and when I tell you that I'm currently feeling somewhat put out thanks to not being invited to a sleepover a friend is having tomorrow night, I've really managed to hit it. Now is the part where I complain I'm fat and I talk about how fit some guy is, yeah?

Nah. I don't do many of those things. I don't wear make up other than eyeliner or make an effort because when I do "make an effort" I look just as shite, if not worse than I did before I started. So my theory is, never make an effort and people see you don't look that good... but they put it down to the fact that you didn't make the effort. If you make an effort and they still see that you look like crap it's a bit more like... ooh. yeah. You always look rubbbish, don't you?
Except I don't think they'd say that.
They'd probably just go get off with one of my attractive friends.

See? I'm so a cliche. I'm the... angsty, nerdy weird teenage girl who nobody understands, man!!111 I probably listen to Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance and watch geeky art films like chocolat.

I haven't got a clue where that came from.
If you listen to Simple Plan, MCR and like watching Chocolat, please don't think I was having a personal dig at you. I wasn't.

My point is... I keep going off topic. That's another bad habit of mine, rambling. Lots of rambling. But I hope that somewhere, through the rambling and the overthinking and the ranting... I'm actually finding something. I'm usually trying to find something. The meaning of something, the message of something, the inspiration of something.

I want to know things. I want to think. I've always liked those times when you can be forgiven for doing nothing but thinking, thinking over little ideas in your head or thinking about other people and other things in your life. You know, like when you're walking somewhere or you're swimming or... I don't know. Times like that.

I don't think anyone will understand what I'm on about. but that's okay, I'm used to nobody understanding me. I'm a tortured goffik soul. Heh.

I don't know what this blog was supposed to be about. Scrolling up...

Oh yes. Cliche.

I'm afraid i'm becoming a) boring and b) a cliche.
I'm afraid of b because I'm a fifteen year old girl who generally has low self esteem, has been physically and verbally abused and bullied, has always felt left out and for the past few weeks has wanted to empty a box of pills down her throat.

Yeah. I must be emo. *cue music*

The only things that i'm thinking are holding me back from emo status currently are... the very very colourful paper and ballooons I decorated my room with, and..uh...I like The Streets? so not emo. He has a song called "stay positive" for chrissake.

I dunno what I'm on about.
I just want my words to mean something and be honest at the same time.
I don't think i can carry it off the way I would like to.

This appears to be the correct point to end the blog out. But I am, in so many ways, incorrect. And anyway, I don't think I'm quite finished. So I shall continue.

I have scratches on my arms which are now fading nicely. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I think it probably is, but it doesn't mean I like it.
I want to go to give it a name and slam dunk. Will I get to go to both? Probably, yes, because I am somewhat spoiled. My mum tries to spoil me because she feels guilty for putting me after her horrible boyfriend and two screaming brats so many times, and my dad because he feels bad for missing at least 30% of my whole life while he works for money that I'm sure we don't need all that much.

But hey, what do I know. I'm just a teenager who nobody understands, man.

I've been identifying with a large amount of Pink lyrics lately. Tis interesting.

I'm thinking I might just punch that boy if he says anything to me tomorrow. I'd probably get away with it, right now. Trouble is, he never says a direct insult any more. It's just my name, said in a mockingly enthusiastic way designed to piss me off or make me feel uncomfortable. Well yeah, you know what, you do piss me off. Majorly. But you'll never know me.


Staring at the cracks in the walls
because I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
because it's taking over my head all over again.

Lying awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain.
I don't even want to try.

Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not.