WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

...is what Ian appears to scream in that bit in W.A.G.Y.A.J.
I dunno. Maybe Jamie screams it. I think Jamie screams more.
Eh. Either way, it's awesome. Like Lostprophets.

Like the poster that is getting delivered to me soon. 40 by 60 inches. TFSOP. Oh yuss. My obsession is really, really bad. Ahh. Makesa me happy though.

...Know what else is awesome? Staying up till... 07:08 Am. That's the time right now. And nope. I haven't slept since about half one yesterday afternoon. Wooooooooo.

I do enjoy staying up all night. I think it'd be easier for me to not sleep at all until friday night though, so... I'm going to go and get coffee.

Now? Or to wait until the end of sway..? hum. Decisions were never my strong point.

Oh, fuck it. I'll get some nao.

I hope you all have, have had, or are having a lovely friday. With a raunchy weekend planned.

Angsty rant ahead.

It seems to me like a lot of the things that I realise, or that hurt me, I realise much later on. Perhaps it's because I push things away, not wanting problems, all the while having the mental problems presented by this sort of shit. Then later, when it's... less of an issue, things bring themselves up like vomit inside my mind and heart and I start thinking.

Some months ago, I started going out with a friend of mine, who was called Daisy. Yes, Daisy was a girl. So yes, I was a girl, going out with a girl. We were never exactly exhibitionist about the relationship or anything but yeah, somehow, rumours got out and I ended up being a walking target for the single minded fuckers who think they're so funny for months.

People in my hometown, people in my school, they don't like gay people. Most of them. My own friends had no issue with it, so that was cool enough, or so I thought. Yeah... I do think. They're cool. Open minded. It's just a shame none of them bothered to do fuck all, you know?

The other night Danni and Grace and Hattie were staying at mine... and somehow we ended up being on about ages ago, when I was "being bullied."

It's funny, because I never really... thought of it like that at the time. What they mostly did was ask stupid questions designed to humiliate me and amuse other people around. I dunno how many times I rolled my eyes, or said fuck you or just brushed it off, or ignored it. I just... I pushed it all away, I guess I pretended it wasn't happening. I very, very rarely let it become visible that it bothered me in front of the bastards. I don't want to be a victim.

But yeah. It happened all the same, and you know what? I had to fight my own corner for the whole time. Because no one else spoke up for me.

So the other night... one of the things Danni said about that whole time sticks vividly in my mind now.

I don't know how you did that. If it was me I would have literally had a mental breakdown."

And they all went on to call me strong and all that bullshit.

Yeah. I did it all BY MYSELF. Because I HAD TO. Because YOU, supposedly my close friends, NEVER DID A THING. YOU NEVER TRIED TO STAND UP FOR ME, DEFEND ME OR SO MUCH AS HELP ME OUT!

I don't even remember any of them just going "ooh, are you alright?"

I didn't... press the issue with Danni as she said it and I realised it, I just kind of... thought about it a bit. I don't see the point in starting another fight now, especially as all of them are going through their own crap. Just... yeah.

I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be spineless. I will not be bullied.

...But sometimes, there's no stopping these buggers. Yeah, I held my head up, yeah I fielded every rude remark or joke sent my way with a snarling comment or a similarly insulting joke. Yeah, I acted like your words couldn't touch me.

But you know what?

I was a fucking mess inside. Thanks a lot for your help, guys.

Wasted youth.

Ah. Good old teenagerhood. I believe i'm becoming/have become a complete and utter classic teenager. I'm totally aware of my fulfillment in a stereotype, but you know, I don't mind all too much. How odd.

This weekend's been pretty good. Last weekend I didn't even leave my house, but I was busy this time. I got the girls to come and stay on friday night, and showed them Fight Club, which i'm quite proud of. I think everyone should see Fight Club at some point. We also consumed an amount of golden syrup cake icecream, which, amazingly is the nicest thing ever. It's gorgeous.

Saturday was also fun. I walked to Daz's and dragged Henry on the way, because he lives pretty near to me. Went to hers, more people appeared, smoked some, drinked some. S'good.
[That is to say, smoked some fags and some spliffs and drank some JD and coke, not to say more people appeared who I then smoked and drank. That'd be weird. And, you know, wrong.]

It was just... pleasant. The first time I've been out and hung out with people and not been checking the time and wanting to go home all the way through in... ages. It was all pretty much spontanteous, and it feels like that's the way it should be, no?

My dad noticed that my laptop was all dieydieydieyDIEDIEDIEYporn!PORN-POP-UPS!dieydiey last night and elected to sort it out. Cue a few hours of me watching Lost Boys and him being very !_! at the screen and trying to sort it out.

I believez it's ok nao. Woo. No more random vagina's in my face. :D


...oh yeah and I have homework which i'm not gonna do. Psh.

My name begins with an S.

And I look like a fat twelve year old choirboy.

Forget about guns.

And forget ammunition.
Cos I'm killing them all.
On my own little mission.
Now i'm not a saint.
But i'm not a sinner.
And everything's cool.
As long as I'm getting thinner.


they tried to get me to go to counselling again. I hate school with a fiery passion that just keeps getting more fiery.

I fancy taking shrooms again. Last time I did them I ended up staring at my hairband then collapsing into hysterical giggles because it was sparkly. For about four hours. It was bloody awesome.

I guess I just want a good time though, really. What with it being back into school and term time, I fear all of my time going towards education and their goddamn insitution... but let's not get into that. Anyone who knows me well will know that I have issues with school T_T

Uhm. Yah. woo. colours.
I have history today..seeing as it's just passed midnight... woo. I also have business studies...boo.

I have nothing interesting to write about or to contribute to the world.

Must buy a proper journal.

Putting everything on the net seems a tad risky to me. Also i'm trying to stop myself from getting into petty little arguments with people i've ever met, and if I was totally forthcoming and honest about what I thought of some people, there'd be no chance of that.

Also I can bitch and moan in a proper book. I see it like blogs ought to be somewhere I put thoughts that are more... intelligent? I'm not sure if it's intelligence I feel I should put into blogs or what really.

On another note, I love The Used! I'm listening for the first time in a bit and i'm reminded of how bloody awesome they are, especially their first album. Bah, they should come and tour the UK again. It's over a year since I last saw them. I guess when they've done their new album they probably will.

They better. ¬_¬

Yes... I know a few people HAVE at one time or other read this blog, but I don't think anyone actually does now. It'd be nice to know, if you do. So yeah, if you're reading, comment! Don't be sneaky! haha.

Something I hate this week is those people who have ebay machines. Y'know, so they outbid you by 20p, in the last ten seconds of the auction. Bah. They displease me.

I'd also like to mention that one of the few items of clothing I have ever been banned from having by my mum is the blackout's "Spread Leg's not lies" shirt. I now want said shirt possibly more than any other shirt I have wanted in my life. Of course, mummy say no, so I gave a tenner to Lucy (Who has an internet money account thing) and she's ordered me one.

(Y)

"These ideas are nightmares."

"To white parents who's worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings. "

I think I might start listening more to types of music outside of rock this year. I mean, its never been the only genre I exposed my ears to, but I really think i'm likely to step outside of it this year. I've been into Eminem since I was in year seven, so since I was... twelve, I think. I'm listening to Winehouse lately, she is fantastic despite being a CELEBRITY. Getting more into Pendulum too, though I don't think I'll ever be one of those Drum n Bass kids. It's too samey. Pendulum are good, but I couldn't listen to them constantly.

Anyway. That sort of chased itself in a circle and quit at making sense. What i'm trying to say is, while I still love Lostprophets and The Used and The Blackout and Nirvana and all the rockish, metalish stuff I've been mad about for the last few years or so, I think my musical tastes are about to take a bit of a change. More of an... expansion though, really. I just feel a bit bored with the whole rock thing in a way. I love it for what it is but if I flick through K! or RS, they're full of bands I don't care about. A lot of them... sound the same.

It's fun to try new genres. It's like... you have no idea what's what so you're giving everything an equal chance. You don't really have much of an idea of any of it so you're not jaded about it yet and you don't bicker with people over which sub-genres are bullshit and which are decent.

So one new thing for 2009 shall be music exploration, I do believe. : )