Scillintate, Scillintate.

I always feel strange on thursdays. I don't mean to say I feel particularly unhappy or anything on thursdays, I'm just... strange, on this day. I start getting kind of spaced out and imagining things being different and wanting suddenly to be some sort of dress-wearing pseudo french girl who quotes placebo lyrics in conversation.

I don't really know what i'm talking about. I'm starting to realise recently that... teenage years is known to be when you start growing up a bit and learning who you are. And looking back, when I was like 11 or something I thought I knew myself perfectly well, inside out, knew how i'd behave or act in nearly any given situation. Now, most the time, I don't even know who I am. I can't really decide who the girl in the mirror is.

Not to be self absorbed or pretentious, naturally. I'm not even self deprecating, I'm just... floating. yeah, I think that's how I feel. A lot lot lot of things have happened over the last year or two and if i'm honest, a lot of them have been shit. The school year finishes tomorrow and I don't think it could have been a much worse year really, realistically.

I've also recently been told just how bad the reputation my school has around here, and... it's pretty damn bad. Apparently we're seen as the worst school in the area by all the surrounding schools... I thought Shrewsbury was meant to be bad? Apparently we're worse. Oh well. Interestingly enough, within my school, apparently my year are seen as the worst group they've had in years. They're all worried about whether or not we're going to continue their [lucky] streak of exceeding every previous years GCSE grades, too.

Oh well. So sorry if my peers and I don't manage to get you a pay rise, Mr P!

As a matter of fact, I got my report yesterday, and I am a fucking NERD. Every subject, i've been given an A as an end of year grade! Except french, (which is shit) where i got a D, and Science (where i've had to put up with the most twatty twats of twatville ever) where I'm on a C.

But overall, I think that's reasonable. I can't let myself think about Grace's of course (all A* and two As) but that's just the same as ever. It's rather good for someone who had ...70% attendance not too long ago. When I did go into school I might as well have had "FUCKOFFFUCKOFF" written on my forehead. I looked so fucking... stereotypically dykeish. I shudder to think of it. I hate it.

I've got history coursework to do. Bolloccccccccks. I reeeeeeally don't feel like it.
But if I don't do it my teacher WILL probably make me... stay late after school and finish it off tomorrow or something. Eh.

I feel bad for not doing any blogs about anything that REALLY matters to me. T_T
I will soon. :7

oh, and on another note, happy birthday to Jamie Oliver! [not the chef]
as a few people know, he is a bloke i find really inspirational, so yeah... =)

Have

Have you ever listened to Mcqueen? Y/N? I'm guessing N, because I only know about two people who have ever actually heard of them. One of them only knows them because I introduced him to them.

Anyway, Mcqueen have a song called Neurotic. I'll tell you whyyyyyyyyy I'm not neurotic! It's a song I used to listen to a LOT when grounded. it also has the lyrics stop overreacting, you're boring me.

Why I'm talking about Mcqueen may not currently make any sense to you. But, what I was going to say was, I was thinking of calling this blog "GAAH"
Just "GAAH"
Because I feel a little GAAH. But gaah is rather neurotic. And if there's one thing I try not to be, it's neurotic. Because it's just... annoying. And boring. I probably fail at this and do have neurotic tendencies, but that isn't the point.

The point is... jaysus. I'm... urrrrrrrgh. I'm so sick of the grind. its only been, what, 3 days back at school and i'm already groaning and having urges to claw bits of my skin off.

That was a tad overdramatic, but... you see my point. I won't go into the whole story because right now i'm immensely tired, but yeah, on monday there was some shit... major flashback to like, a year ago. Urrrrgh, no, no, no, not going back there plzthnx. There's still no one else standing up for me, but if I have to I will just walk out the door. There's no way I'm going to let people turn me back into the person I was before. No... I'm not willing to go back to taking eight proplus a day, skiving at every opportunity, hiding under my duvet in the mornings and just being completely absorbed in fiction. I'd rather not be quite that much of a pathetic little wreck, ta.

I don't remember what i was saying. Oh yes, i'm very tired, very fed up, very blaah. Just like a lot of poeple right now, i think.. bloody whiny blog. Don't read it. Just don't follow my blog. Srsly.

cause and effect.

Do you believe that for every action performed, there's an opposing one taking place at the same time?

Like... every time someone does something stupid someone else is being really clever, as someone dies, another is born, as a person throws up another eats their dinner?

My description and ideas are fucking lovely, I know.

I don't think this blog is really about cause and effect at all, it just sort of sounded good. That's the way it usually goes with me, but whatever, I'll just cover it up with an amused emoticon and some sort of brazen, obnoxious expression.

Maybe i'll add a "lol" in there. Then I'll ask what you've been up to.

yes, I'm struggling to commmunicate with a few people who used to be close friends. it's just that... urgh, no one's nasty or anything, I just don't even know them any more. I don't even want to. I just... don't have any interest. I feel like we've outgrown each other. Lovely people, but they're like lovely pieces of a jigsaw that I don't fit with. Maybe i'm in a different jigsaw. Maybe I'm a piece of lego? I dunno. Maybe they're lego and I'm duplo. Or---

Ok, gonna stop with the metaphors inspired by children's toys, now. Yes, I spent two weeks doing work experience for a primary school, my own primary school in fact. I have come to the startling conclusion I actually quite like kids.

Ha. Cue the paedophilia jokes. No but seriously, some of them are very sweet and/or interesting to be around. Like this little boy I met called Curtis. He was so smart. For a 6 year old, ya know. But he also shouts so much. just... EVERYTHING is a MASSIVE volume. It's interesting really. Not sure why. Just is.

I don't know if it's made me any more inclined to have my own brats. I know I definitely don't want any for at least... ooh, the next sixteen years? i need some freedom from kids, really. If I were to become one of those teenage mothers (which would never happen, but yeah) if i were, i'd have had to deal with kids... my whole life, really. S'abit heavy. I'd like some time away from tiny plastic dinosaurs and the half eaten apples you find in the dish, ta. (:

This wasn't meant to be a what-i've-been-up-to-blog. I don't ever mean to do those, things just sort of... come out. Gah, as if anyone cares. Oh well.

I can't be bothered with the original idea. maybe i'll do it later.

peace.

Feels like the bad old days.

All of them mixed up into one hour.
Nah. I'm being melodramatic. It doesn't feel like the bad old days, it just... it has similar elements. Staying up all night and drinking and things. But this time it's different, because it's all just for recreational purposes. I ain't hell bent on forgetting my own name this time.

I was trying to write something but it's just not coming out right. I know what i mean, but I don't think the way I've written it makes sense. So annoying.. the character who's thinking it is meant to be straight up and clear and straightforward with excellent hair. He would make sense. but I don't, so I'm struggling to write someone who does.

I have come to the conclusion just recently, that I really do talk a lot of shit. "I wish I could grow a dick in forehead so I could pretend to be a unicorn!" what the fuck is wrong with me? it's quite funny for the most part, but occasionally I do actually think after i've just opened my mouth and talked, and... oh mai. It's not good, a lot of the time.

I really really cannot be bothered with people wallowing in their own misery and depression and self pity right now. I won't deny I ever did, god, I was probably the most whiny bitch anyone knew for a while there but I don't do it NOW. So I have a right to say that 90% of people from mibba.com are annoying as hell.

oh. that felt good.

Yeah, realised after two years of having an account that most of the current members are pretty much turnips. I can't be bothered with it, I've been there longer than half of them and they're still annoying as hell.
Whatevs. I'm over it.

I'm horribly tired, like, desperate to close my eyelids. nononono. It's gone 5. if its gone 5 there's no point in sleeping.

I'll just get... lots of caffeine tomorrow.:7

I want to work on my writing. Hmm.

I talk shit.

yey.

Feels like the bad old days.

Updates.

I really dislike social networking sites, about as much as I like them. I like them very much because they're easy, an excuse to waste time and sometimes (very, very occasionally) you can actually meet cool people through them.

But I was on about the disliking part. I dislike the status updates. I dislike the fucking arrogance and delusions of grandeur that they bring out in people. I dislike people constantly telling me, through facebook or bebo or myspace or twitter or whatever that they're "so hot omg" or "watching eastenders" or "having beans on toast for tea". Another similar thing the websites do is tell you every time a "friend" does anything different. xXheart-core-lozzaxXx has updated her photo's!

And you find that Lauren, as she was called originally before the X's and the Z's came into fashion, has once again taken a number of photo's of herself from above, giving us all a clear (though over exposed) view down her top and of her cleavage, but not of her face. Her lips will probably also be an important thing in the photo, glossed up and pouting, for all the world a 14 year old pornstar.

I've gone off on a little tangent here, but what i'm trying to get at is simply that... I find the entire attitude horribly arrogant, cocky and presumptuous to think that I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK.

I DON'T give a shit if you're having beans on toast, or if you've got a bit of a cold. I don't give a shit about your fucking opinions. I don't give a fuck about your stupid posey pictures!

...Of course, this begs the question, why don't I delete my accounts on these websites? They're not likely to change and really, I should just remove the irritation from my life and stop whinging about it. And come on, I'm writing blogs, it's probably arrogant of me to assume anyone gives a shit about my fucking opinions.

The difference just is... the annoying ones who post their status updates (because they're not all annoying, the ones I like aren't annoying usually) are all really thick. At least 80% of the world seems to be made up of stupid dickheads right now, and it's getting on my nerves.

I can't really help it if I don't like reading the equivalent of heat magazine, only about people I know and don't particularly like, every time I go online. But I don't have to read it. This is highly unnecessary rant, and it could all be solved very simply, if I just stopped being a hypocrite.

But hey, I like facebook. I need it to find out how many of my chakras are open, anyway. : )
And remember, 80% of the world are stupid dickheads. The other 20% are fucking morons who just think they're great.