If that blog was about me or not.
But I do have a feeling it was.
If it was, you know what? Fair enough. I mean, yeah, it is about time karma bit me in the ass for all i've obvs done wrong. I mean, I totally went and attacked her. Unfairly. I never tried to be friends first. No way. She was just a victim the whole way through, and she still is- because we all make postsecrets just to MAKE HER FEEL BAD. We care enough about making her feel shit to actually bother with the effort of doing something like that. She is so totally worth that. We think about her that often.
What was I on about? Oh yeah. That guy in that band. He's so totally ugly. Ew. I don't like them. Anyway, who was I on about? Oh yeah. My little friend. No, wait- i'm the short one, right? yeah. The fact that she called me short is so hurtful. It's, like, so totally a painful insult. Cuts me real deep, man. It's not just a physical fact about me. It's not just stating the obvious.
"Oi, you! T-Shirt!"
But yeah. The short thing was hurtful, but the sketty thing? That was just heart wrenching. Actually, no, in all honesty I'd never heard it before so I had to look it up. I guess I'm just uncool like that.
Fat sweaty disgusting girl who no one wants. That was the definition I found, am I anywhere near the right bit? Because she does know best. Obvz. Her opinion matters more than, like, anyone elses!
She is SO RIGHT, you know. As always, she is damn right. I'm fat. And sweaty. And she would know, seeing as she has blatantly met me and seen pictures that showed my body. Not only is she right, it totally matters. It seriously matters if I'm a little on the chubby side. That's how the world works, BLATES. Shallow is the new deep.
And it's obviously me who no one wants. Oh no, it's not like this whole feud got started off when she had a strop about me dating her ex. No way. It's not like she's the single one with... shall we say, not much experience? It's totally not like I'm the one in a relationship with someone amazing. No way.
Yeah. I just, like, really wanted to clear all this up. She is so right, and ohmygosh, I like totally deserve to be unhappy, because I so attacked her first and bullied her. She's such a victim. A victim who is obvz totally hardcore and beautiful. She must be, right, because she's the one who gets to bitch about how everyone else looks and then spout off about there being no reason to be self conscious? and she's like TOTALLY hardcore. Did you know, she's totally going to hell? with all the best stories to tell!
It isn't like she's one of those people who get drunk off half a bottle of fizzy, additive filled panda pops that's passed off as alcohol. It's not like she's one of those people who pass like, all their exams and do their work like a good little girl. It's not like she's even more virginal than Mary was. It's not like the only thing she could ever go to hell for is being a bitch.
Not at all.
Just like it's nowhere near to the truth that I read her blog for a laugh every now and then. It's totally not like I don't read her pathetic little whinges and self absorbed rants and shallow ideas and laugh my fucking face off.
No way.
Friday 27 February 2009
But I don't...
I don't ever want to feel like I did that day,
Take me to the place I love,
Take it all away.
Yeah. I haven't listened to the chili peppers properly in a while, too long. Under The Bridge is a beautiful song.
Talked to my parents.
I mean... really talked. And... yeah.
I'm not totally happy.
I'm not content.
I'll admit that.
There's no point pretending that things are suddenly good.
It's more like... they could be. Soon. Soonish.
In the mean time, I need to do things to ensure I won't give into that little voice in the back of my head. I'm making plans, having hopes and dreams and wishes. Because if I start to believe that I can and have to make them come true, I won't be giving up at the age of fifteen now, will I?
Things like;
-Getting a job.
-Dying my hair blonde [I know. It will look hilariously bad. But Susie dared me to, so I can't not. Hehehehe.]
-Fall Out Boy / Kids In Glass Houses.
-Getting The Blackout's new album. [Also goes for Lostprophets and KIGH, but TBO are the only ones who have announced a date.]
-GIAN. [depends on whether I can get said job or not.]
-Finishing education in this shithole.
-Writing all the stories inside my head down for them to affect others.
-Millions of cans of fanta that I haven't drunk yet.
-Millions of nights I haven't stayed awake through yet.
-Going to further education somewhere else, college, y'know? And Uni. I want to go to Uni and write many essays. I know I've only done, y'know, school essays, but I like essays. A lot.
-I'm gonna go live away somewhere. I wanted it to be Cardiff, and now I'm starting to get this slightly insane idea in my head. I quite like it though. I'm going to keep thinking about it.
Yeaah... pointless ramblings for you. ;D
The point is, i'm going to live.
I just sort of have to... push some of this shit aside, or break it down or... something.
Take me to the place I love,
Take it all away.
Yeah. I haven't listened to the chili peppers properly in a while, too long. Under The Bridge is a beautiful song.
Talked to my parents.
I mean... really talked. And... yeah.
I'm not totally happy.
I'm not content.
I'll admit that.
There's no point pretending that things are suddenly good.
It's more like... they could be. Soon. Soonish.
In the mean time, I need to do things to ensure I won't give into that little voice in the back of my head. I'm making plans, having hopes and dreams and wishes. Because if I start to believe that I can and have to make them come true, I won't be giving up at the age of fifteen now, will I?
Things like;
-Getting a job.
-Dying my hair blonde [I know. It will look hilariously bad. But Susie dared me to, so I can't not. Hehehehe.]
-Fall Out Boy / Kids In Glass Houses.
-Getting The Blackout's new album. [Also goes for Lostprophets and KIGH, but TBO are the only ones who have announced a date.]
-GIAN. [depends on whether I can get said job or not.]
-Finishing education in this shithole.
-Writing all the stories inside my head down for them to affect others.
-Millions of cans of fanta that I haven't drunk yet.
-Millions of nights I haven't stayed awake through yet.
-Going to further education somewhere else, college, y'know? And Uni. I want to go to Uni and write many essays. I know I've only done, y'know, school essays, but I like essays. A lot.
-I'm gonna go live away somewhere. I wanted it to be Cardiff, and now I'm starting to get this slightly insane idea in my head. I quite like it though. I'm going to keep thinking about it.
Yeaah... pointless ramblings for you. ;D
The point is, i'm going to live.
I just sort of have to... push some of this shit aside, or break it down or... something.
Wednesday 25 February 2009
all these words
all these words that I've accounted for, never fear another day, always charged but I need more, make me take away... tell me now, can you hear the sound of all these people falling down? growing back into the ground let me smile again...
Things are happening and yet they aren't. Things have happened so why can't I just let them be that and that alone? The past. Fuck the fucking past. but I can't forget, I can't seem to let go. I need to let go of it because it's dragging me under, taking me over. Everything here seems to be all pretentious and crappily poetic... it isn't intended this way.
She said I can move schools, but what's the point? Ludlow is shit, yeah, but is it really going to be any better anywhere else? And I know people here. I don't know what to do. I want to move... but maybe I don't. I don't know. I'm confused.
Things are happening and yet they aren't. Things have happened so why can't I just let them be that and that alone? The past. Fuck the fucking past. but I can't forget, I can't seem to let go. I need to let go of it because it's dragging me under, taking me over. Everything here seems to be all pretentious and crappily poetic... it isn't intended this way.
She said I can move schools, but what's the point? Ludlow is shit, yeah, but is it really going to be any better anywhere else? And I know people here. I don't know what to do. I want to move... but maybe I don't. I don't know. I'm confused.
Tuesday 24 February 2009
I'm not dead.
Time for brutal honesty.
This morning I felt pretty happy. I stayed up all night. I'm always happier in the morning when I haven't slept all night. I was happy. I bounced around. I met Daz and nicked half a packet of proplus from Tesco on the way to school. Got to school. Did double French.
Hadn't done homework so I got sent out along with three other kids in my class. Whatever, not bothered really. The other french teacher comes through the corridor bit and rather snottily said something about assuming none of us obviously wanting a pass grade. Course, this is me and I am a stupid, big mouthed git with no self control so I said that was unfair. She started yelling, I yelled back, yada yada yada. You know how it goes. So yeah, she then sent me out into the other corridor. So I got sent out of French, then sent out of where I'd been sent out to originally. Marvellous.
Had to go back at lunch to do the sheet that I was meant to do for homework but didn't because I didn't understand it. The teacher explained it to me again. Still don't... really get it. It's more like maths than you might imagine. My mood by then had slipped down considerably.
I said this was going to be brutally honest. I might as well not bother with hiding my secrets and scars. While my teacher was talking at me about verbs and pronouns and I was stood there feeling stupid and useless and everything, I could feel this heat behind my eyes. Heat in my eyes, prickling heat right at them and in the corners, and I knew I was going to cry unless I stopped myself. So I was digging in my nails as sharply as I could to my hips. I didn't cry.
By the time I'd finished the fucking French sheet lunch was nearly over. I went to the block where all my friends were and sat against the wall, with Joe on one side, pretty much making out with Grace, and Hattie on the other, who was talking to Fi about some boy that they all know but I don't. So I leant against the wall and felt pretty low and ignored, then Rory said something to me, which was alright. Joe also kind of dragged me towards him when the bell went, so I got a bit of a Joe hug for the first time in god knows how long. Which was nice. I miss him.
Then came PE. Ah. This is when it went really really tits up. We did basketball, and I actually really went for it. Running like a lunatic, I was. Then we finished the game and my chest was thumping and hurting, really bloody hurting and I was breathing heavily, gasping, and my neck was hot. My neck.
Alright, yeah, so I'm probably not very fit. But yeah. You see my point, I kind of needed a breather? I ran around in our second, crappy little game for a bit till it was my turn to get water.. I went out to the tap thingy and practically collapsed against it, I sat on the carpeted floor clutching this water fountain and gasping.
Then someone opened the door and started walking down the corridor so I knelt up, drank and went back into the hall we were playing basketball in. I couldn't play again. I leant against the wall and sank down a bit, I felt sick and my heart was thumping in my chest. I sat there for a bit, face in my hands. My teacher came over and started getting all pissy with me. I told her I felt ill. "In what way do you feel ill?" I burst into tears.
Not deliberately, in case you were wondering.
So, yeah... she told me I could "take a few minutes out" -_-.
I sat against the wall with my face in my hands and cried, till Aysha came and sat down beside me. She was really sweet actually. She was like "What's up?" I was like "...eh...stuff :/"
Then I got up and told her I didn't fancy crying in front of my PE class, then walked outside and sat in the fresh air. And I was alone there, so I did cry. I cried hard.
Kept crying all the way back to the changing rooms, rubbing at my face with my fingers and thinking about how no one ever seems to really care about anything. I got into the changing rooms. I cried, just a little, putting my trousers on. Hattie gently asked if I was ok and I full on burst into sobbing again. She put her arms round me and I sort of collapsed into her shoulder and chest for a minute or two. It was... weird. Not in a bad way. I just don't remember the last time someone comforted me like that. It just doesn't tend to happen. It was nice, though.
But I was just... a mess. I couldn't stop crying. So I walked home, deciding it was better to not go to science than to go to science and make a fool of myself and drown everyone. Went home. Made pathetic noises at my mum for a bit. She did that thing she always does where she tries to sort of comfort you but ends up almost having a go at you... yeah, it's weird.
I can't be bothered to explain any more. But yeah, that was pretty much my day.
great first day back or what?
This morning I felt pretty happy. I stayed up all night. I'm always happier in the morning when I haven't slept all night. I was happy. I bounced around. I met Daz and nicked half a packet of proplus from Tesco on the way to school. Got to school. Did double French.
Hadn't done homework so I got sent out along with three other kids in my class. Whatever, not bothered really. The other french teacher comes through the corridor bit and rather snottily said something about assuming none of us obviously wanting a pass grade. Course, this is me and I am a stupid, big mouthed git with no self control so I said that was unfair. She started yelling, I yelled back, yada yada yada. You know how it goes. So yeah, she then sent me out into the other corridor. So I got sent out of French, then sent out of where I'd been sent out to originally. Marvellous.
Had to go back at lunch to do the sheet that I was meant to do for homework but didn't because I didn't understand it. The teacher explained it to me again. Still don't... really get it. It's more like maths than you might imagine. My mood by then had slipped down considerably.
I said this was going to be brutally honest. I might as well not bother with hiding my secrets and scars. While my teacher was talking at me about verbs and pronouns and I was stood there feeling stupid and useless and everything, I could feel this heat behind my eyes. Heat in my eyes, prickling heat right at them and in the corners, and I knew I was going to cry unless I stopped myself. So I was digging in my nails as sharply as I could to my hips. I didn't cry.
By the time I'd finished the fucking French sheet lunch was nearly over. I went to the block where all my friends were and sat against the wall, with Joe on one side, pretty much making out with Grace, and Hattie on the other, who was talking to Fi about some boy that they all know but I don't. So I leant against the wall and felt pretty low and ignored, then Rory said something to me, which was alright. Joe also kind of dragged me towards him when the bell went, so I got a bit of a Joe hug for the first time in god knows how long. Which was nice. I miss him.
Then came PE. Ah. This is when it went really really tits up. We did basketball, and I actually really went for it. Running like a lunatic, I was. Then we finished the game and my chest was thumping and hurting, really bloody hurting and I was breathing heavily, gasping, and my neck was hot. My neck.
Alright, yeah, so I'm probably not very fit. But yeah. You see my point, I kind of needed a breather? I ran around in our second, crappy little game for a bit till it was my turn to get water.. I went out to the tap thingy and practically collapsed against it, I sat on the carpeted floor clutching this water fountain and gasping.
Then someone opened the door and started walking down the corridor so I knelt up, drank and went back into the hall we were playing basketball in. I couldn't play again. I leant against the wall and sank down a bit, I felt sick and my heart was thumping in my chest. I sat there for a bit, face in my hands. My teacher came over and started getting all pissy with me. I told her I felt ill. "In what way do you feel ill?" I burst into tears.
Not deliberately, in case you were wondering.
So, yeah... she told me I could "take a few minutes out" -_-.
I sat against the wall with my face in my hands and cried, till Aysha came and sat down beside me. She was really sweet actually. She was like "What's up?" I was like "...eh...stuff :/"
Then I got up and told her I didn't fancy crying in front of my PE class, then walked outside and sat in the fresh air. And I was alone there, so I did cry. I cried hard.
Kept crying all the way back to the changing rooms, rubbing at my face with my fingers and thinking about how no one ever seems to really care about anything. I got into the changing rooms. I cried, just a little, putting my trousers on. Hattie gently asked if I was ok and I full on burst into sobbing again. She put her arms round me and I sort of collapsed into her shoulder and chest for a minute or two. It was... weird. Not in a bad way. I just don't remember the last time someone comforted me like that. It just doesn't tend to happen. It was nice, though.
But I was just... a mess. I couldn't stop crying. So I walked home, deciding it was better to not go to science than to go to science and make a fool of myself and drown everyone. Went home. Made pathetic noises at my mum for a bit. She did that thing she always does where she tries to sort of comfort you but ends up almost having a go at you... yeah, it's weird.
I can't be bothered to explain any more. But yeah, that was pretty much my day.
great first day back or what?
Thursday 19 February 2009
lalaa
I don't have anything in a blog to say really. It's just, I had a look at my blog earlier and noticed all my most recent ones seem to be really fucking miserable. Things are actually pretty good right at this moment. I guess when things are proper good, I don't get online much- when i'm online 24/7, that's when things are a bit crap and I end up whinging or ranting on blogs.
I must watch that. Don't wanna end up like a few twats I know. Luuuulz.
I made my myspace look cool. Its got lostprophets and glitter. I don't think life gets a whole lot better than that.
Spoke to Daz for the first time in... eh. A bit. She's got some vodka and suggested I tried to think of something useful to do with it. I said we should wash our hair in it.
Mmm mmm. Well, that'd probably be more fun than drinking it.
I probably will drink it though... so... yeah. This might be a tad pointless.
I think i'll sleep in a cardi tonight, la la la. I'm listening to Bon Jovi. Oh yes.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA. WE'RE HALFWAY THEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE.
I must watch that. Don't wanna end up like a few twats I know. Luuuulz.
I made my myspace look cool. Its got lostprophets and glitter. I don't think life gets a whole lot better than that.
Spoke to Daz for the first time in... eh. A bit. She's got some vodka and suggested I tried to think of something useful to do with it. I said we should wash our hair in it.
Mmm mmm. Well, that'd probably be more fun than drinking it.
I probably will drink it though... so... yeah. This might be a tad pointless.
I think i'll sleep in a cardi tonight, la la la. I'm listening to Bon Jovi. Oh yes.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA. WE'RE HALFWAY THEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE.
Thursday 12 February 2009
Prepare for a wound.
Yeah, so fear is a weapon of mass destruction. And it scares a hell of a lot of people. And I'm used to people trying to intimidate me or whatever. But you know what, it hasn't happened for a while.
Until like half an hour ago. I got a text saying "Im goin 2 smash your face in u fat lesbo cunt"
From a number I don't recognise/have stored in my phone.
Gosh. How original. No one's EVER threatened to beat me up before! Or called me fat! or "lesbo"! Whatever will i do?!
[/sarcasm]
Whoever this fucker is, I don't give a damn. If they were gonna beat me up, I reckon they'd just beat me up. God knows, one or two people have threatened it before. Anyway, I think they would just do it. Get it done. Find me, hit me, beat me up, make my nose into a blood fountain. Whatever. I don't think they'd send me texts first. What'd be the point? It's just someone trying to bully me. again.
Fuck you.
This isn't the first time
It won't be the last
"Tonight I'm coming for you, girl."
Until like half an hour ago. I got a text saying "Im goin 2 smash your face in u fat lesbo cunt"
From a number I don't recognise/have stored in my phone.
Gosh. How original. No one's EVER threatened to beat me up before! Or called me fat! or "lesbo"! Whatever will i do?!
[/sarcasm]
Whoever this fucker is, I don't give a damn. If they were gonna beat me up, I reckon they'd just beat me up. God knows, one or two people have threatened it before. Anyway, I think they would just do it. Get it done. Find me, hit me, beat me up, make my nose into a blood fountain. Whatever. I don't think they'd send me texts first. What'd be the point? It's just someone trying to bully me. again.
Fuck you.
This isn't the first time
It won't be the last
"Tonight I'm coming for you, girl."
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Wow.
Epic.
Fucking.
Fail.
Just been to my second maths revision session. Surds.
I tried. I asked. I was explained to.
I still don't get it.
I don't think I ever will.
Someone help me find a job that doesn't require a maths GCSE? Please?
Because I really don't think I can do this.
I know most people say they struggle with maths but then they pull through but... I honestly don't think I will. I can't can't can't do them and I feel unimaginably stupid right now.
I slept really early last night and I still felt really tired all day.
Stressed.
Irritable.
Crap.
I need... something other than this. I need to write something and for it to be amazing. No, not just "everything you write is amazing" or anything like that. I want it to feel amazing. I want it to have power. Make someone cry. Make someone laugh. I need to feel like there's something that balances out my minus IQ where numbers are concerned.
I need reassurance. I need people to be nice to me. I need Lostprophets new album.
I need to get a fucking grip.
:/
Fucking.
Fail.
Just been to my second maths revision session. Surds.
I tried. I asked. I was explained to.
I still don't get it.
I don't think I ever will.
Someone help me find a job that doesn't require a maths GCSE? Please?
Because I really don't think I can do this.
I know most people say they struggle with maths but then they pull through but... I honestly don't think I will. I can't can't can't do them and I feel unimaginably stupid right now.
I slept really early last night and I still felt really tired all day.
Stressed.
Irritable.
Crap.
I need... something other than this. I need to write something and for it to be amazing. No, not just "everything you write is amazing" or anything like that. I want it to feel amazing. I want it to have power. Make someone cry. Make someone laugh. I need to feel like there's something that balances out my minus IQ where numbers are concerned.
I need reassurance. I need people to be nice to me. I need Lostprophets new album.
I need to get a fucking grip.
:/
Monday 9 February 2009
We've got a red light.
Our hair is perfect while we're all getting shit wrecked
It's automatic, honey. But we've got no money.
Daddy i'm so sorry, so s-s-sorry yeah. We just like to party.
Like to p-p-party yeah.
(h)
Oh I am sooo cool. Ehh. Blame Hattie for my above outburst. She's got me into this flippin' Lady Gaga stuff.
My head itches. Maybe it's because i'm wearing the same alice band i've been wearing all day, and the sweat has got stuck to it and is now on my head and makin' it itch. Or maybe it's because i've had to use this fucker of a BRAIN so much today! >.<
I did a fuckload of writing over the weekend. And read one of the best stories i've found in a long time. Imo. Then I worked today in English, basketball/pe, science, maths and extra maths.
oh yusss. I iz failing. I have to get a note signed and everything. What joy. I am trying, now, though. M'goin' to these frickin' revish seshes.
Wooooooooooooo apostrophes.
Not only have I been doing all that. I've just done a load of science homework, and now i'm trying to do French... but nothing's actually going through to my brain. faaaail. I'm too worn out and tired after working all day and having about four hours sleep. Today I have consumed two weetabix's and some milk, a glass of water, two proplus pills, a cupcake, some malteasers (it be Joey boyos birthday, a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of toast.
Christ. No wonder my skin is so bad.
I'd like to update tonight. But that will not happen. I don't have the mental energy or creative capacity right now. I blame school. I blame Watkins. I blame Smith.
But I do not blame Aled. Because I've resolved those issues. :file:
noise and kisses
xx
It's automatic, honey. But we've got no money.
Daddy i'm so sorry, so s-s-sorry yeah. We just like to party.
Like to p-p-party yeah.
(h)
Oh I am sooo cool. Ehh. Blame Hattie for my above outburst. She's got me into this flippin' Lady Gaga stuff.
My head itches. Maybe it's because i'm wearing the same alice band i've been wearing all day, and the sweat has got stuck to it and is now on my head and makin' it itch. Or maybe it's because i've had to use this fucker of a BRAIN so much today! >.<
I did a fuckload of writing over the weekend. And read one of the best stories i've found in a long time. Imo. Then I worked today in English, basketball/pe, science, maths and extra maths.
oh yusss. I iz failing. I have to get a note signed and everything. What joy. I am trying, now, though. M'goin' to these frickin' revish seshes.
Wooooooooooooo apostrophes.
Not only have I been doing all that. I've just done a load of science homework, and now i'm trying to do French... but nothing's actually going through to my brain. faaaail. I'm too worn out and tired after working all day and having about four hours sleep. Today I have consumed two weetabix's and some milk, a glass of water, two proplus pills, a cupcake, some malteasers (it be Joey boyos birthday, a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of toast.
Christ. No wonder my skin is so bad.
I'd like to update tonight. But that will not happen. I don't have the mental energy or creative capacity right now. I blame school. I blame Watkins. I blame Smith.
But I do not blame Aled. Because I've resolved those issues. :file:
noise and kisses
xx
Saturday 7 February 2009
Money.
...is a right bugger.
See, here's the thing. I don't really have any. I never really have had a huge amount. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend i'm really hard done by. I'm quite obviously NOT really hard done by because I have internet and I go to gigs and I get to like... eat and stuff. BUT. Y'know, we've never had LOADS, my dad and I are moving into his girlfriend's [should there be an apostrophe there? I have no idea.] council house soon because we can't afford ours, my mum mostly buys tesco value food and I am entitled to free school dinners (...I think. I just keep forgetting to apply. >.<) So yeah... I live in council houses and I only buy music magazines if there's a Lostprophets poster or something cos I can't afford them... stuff like that.
Anyway. I'm trying to say that i'm used to not really having much. I don't mind. Really, I don't. But right now i'm in deep shit, money wise, because I'm £60 in debt. I don't have a job and I'm still only in school so I don't get any EMA. I owe my mum £30, for bloody posters (damn you ebay and damn you lostprophets and damn you my own brain for being such a clingy little freak) and I owe my girlfriend £30 for a ticket to a gig.
I will pay them both back, coz... yeah, it'd be really shitty of me not to. And I don't think they'd let me get away with it, and quite right too, because I shouldn't. But yeah, I think i'm going to have to not eat lunch for several weeks to pay them back. That or get a job... but there are no good jobs going round here. No one can afford a babysitter what with the recession and all, it's the wrong season for teenage washer uppers in pub kitchens and I am NOT doing a paper round. >.<
Why can't I just get paid for going to school? I would totally start paying attention if they paid me. I'd even try in MATHS. MATHS! MATHS! The subject that usually involves me crawling under the table, whimpering, laughing hysterically at my failure, drawing a fail line on my arm and talking to Jordy about smoking pot. >.<
I'm such a fail. And I'm such a whingy spoilt brat. I know, I know. ;)
I'm fully aware of my own obnoxiousness and how unoriginal I am. Shh.
Wanna know something ironic?
That £30 gig ticket... is for Fall Out Boy. And I'm only going to see them so I can see Kids In Glass Houses. Who I've seen four times already. La de da. I have a problem. It's called insanity.
And why am I doing a blog whinging about money and my lack of it and all that crap when, y'know, there are kids in Africa DYING right now because they don't have enough food or water. There are people who DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT and i'm buying posters off ebay with my mothers money?! I hate myself, in the same way that I hate the human race. We're a plague, the majority of us, a goddamn plague!
My TBO SLNL shirt never turned up. How annoying. Luce said she's going to call them up and see where our shirts are. If we don't get them/a refund, I am so totally going to pull Gavin Butler's beard. Pfft.
See, here's the thing. I don't really have any. I never really have had a huge amount. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend i'm really hard done by. I'm quite obviously NOT really hard done by because I have internet and I go to gigs and I get to like... eat and stuff. BUT. Y'know, we've never had LOADS, my dad and I are moving into his girlfriend's [should there be an apostrophe there? I have no idea.] council house soon because we can't afford ours, my mum mostly buys tesco value food and I am entitled to free school dinners (...I think. I just keep forgetting to apply. >.<) So yeah... I live in council houses and I only buy music magazines if there's a Lostprophets poster or something cos I can't afford them... stuff like that.
Anyway. I'm trying to say that i'm used to not really having much. I don't mind. Really, I don't. But right now i'm in deep shit, money wise, because I'm £60 in debt. I don't have a job and I'm still only in school so I don't get any EMA. I owe my mum £30, for bloody posters (damn you ebay and damn you lostprophets and damn you my own brain for being such a clingy little freak) and I owe my girlfriend £30 for a ticket to a gig.
I will pay them both back, coz... yeah, it'd be really shitty of me not to. And I don't think they'd let me get away with it, and quite right too, because I shouldn't. But yeah, I think i'm going to have to not eat lunch for several weeks to pay them back. That or get a job... but there are no good jobs going round here. No one can afford a babysitter what with the recession and all, it's the wrong season for teenage washer uppers in pub kitchens and I am NOT doing a paper round. >.<
Why can't I just get paid for going to school? I would totally start paying attention if they paid me. I'd even try in MATHS. MATHS! MATHS! The subject that usually involves me crawling under the table, whimpering, laughing hysterically at my failure, drawing a fail line on my arm and talking to Jordy about smoking pot. >.<
I'm such a fail. And I'm such a whingy spoilt brat. I know, I know. ;)
I'm fully aware of my own obnoxiousness and how unoriginal I am. Shh.
Wanna know something ironic?
That £30 gig ticket... is for Fall Out Boy. And I'm only going to see them so I can see Kids In Glass Houses. Who I've seen four times already. La de da. I have a problem. It's called insanity.
And why am I doing a blog whinging about money and my lack of it and all that crap when, y'know, there are kids in Africa DYING right now because they don't have enough food or water. There are people who DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT and i'm buying posters off ebay with my mothers money?! I hate myself, in the same way that I hate the human race. We're a plague, the majority of us, a goddamn plague!
My TBO SLNL shirt never turned up. How annoying. Luce said she's going to call them up and see where our shirts are. If we don't get them/a refund, I am so totally going to pull Gavin Butler's beard. Pfft.
Friday 6 February 2009
This has gone on bebo, myspace and mibba already...
1. I like things that sparkle.
2. I like free stuff.
3. I write a lot.
4. I don't have a sexuality.
5. I hate maths.
6. I rarely back down from an argument/fight.
7. I like fantasising.
8. Underneath everything, i'm an extremely clingy person.
9. I steal too much.
10. Lostprophets have been my favourite band for two years.
11. I like staying up all night.
12. I have dyed red hair.
13. I love pizza hut.
14. I enjoy drama, but I know I'm not great at it.
15. I work better alone.
16. I can read extremely quickly.
17. Mine and Grace's dinosaur walk pwns.
18. I wish I had a shower.
19. I first took class A drugs when I was 14.
20. I miss her.
21. I'm very lazy.
22. I'm weigh quite a bit more than most of my friends but I don't want to lose weight because I don't want to conform to the status quo of how I supposedly should be.
23. I hate it when people are weak.
24. I don't like tea.
25. I don't want to grow up.
26. I hate being in teams because I need the freedom of failure.
27. I rarely revise.
28. I have a glow in the dark rubber duck.
29. No one ever stands up for me.
30. I'm ungrateful and spoiled.
31. I don't care about money; money means nothing.
32. I call people "bitch" as a term of endearment a lot.
33. Everyone thinks i'm scary. I'm not. Just a little girl with a big mouth.
34. I adore the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
35. I have a phobia of abandonment.
36. This is turning into one of the most honest things i've written in a while.
37. I have a blog which I named after writing on a top of mine.
38. I own one proper dress,
39. It's not me, it's you.
40. I can be really stroppy and really moody and really annoying.
41. My hair doesn't get brushed that much.
42. I always seem to get stuck in Newport on the train.
43. I enjoy history.
44. I think natural blonde hair is incredibly beautiful.
45. I waste a lot of time in front of a computer screen.
45. I love Fight Club and Finding Nemo equally.
46. I am a mixture of a bitter, cynical old person and an excitably eager toddler.
47. I have no style. I just wear whatever I find on the floor.
48. I sing a lot. Badly.
49. Not many people will have read this far.
50. I like wearing alice bands.
51. Gigs are great.
52. I cry if i'm really angry and there's no one to shout at.
53. The further I get down this list, the more I wonder why anyone is friends with me.
54. I like studded belts. I wore mine so much they fell apart.
55. I like stickers.
56. I don't give a damn about merits.
57. I feel like I've failed more when I do follow the rules.
58. I believe Graffiti is art in its purest form.
59. Storms are fun.
60. I'm not sure why i'm putting all this on the internet.
61. I like cardies.
62. I write fanfiction even though I think it's wrong.
63. I wish I was more literate.
64. Smarties are so pretty.
65. Jelly tots are a good breakfast.
66. High street clothes shops give me panic attacks, headaches and invoke thoughts of self-hate and suicide.
67. I still can't understand why i'm putting this on the internet.
68. I like listening to David Bowie with my family.
69. I'm very immature. LOL! 696969696969!
70. I blame this town for a lot of my insecurity.
71. I have so totally seen Ian Watkins half naked.
72. I'm sick of waiting for my school years to be over.
73. I wear little to no make up.
74. I want to pierce my lip someday.
75. Last Train Home makes me feel like everything's going to be okay, but at the same time it makes me want to cry.
76. I should probably stop writing this list now.
77. I don't want to.
78. I'm a pessimistic little cunt.
79. There is hope for the future. There has to be.
80. I'm going to cheat at grown up life.
81. Essays are fun.
82. I might add to this list.
2. I like free stuff.
3. I write a lot.
4. I don't have a sexuality.
5. I hate maths.
6. I rarely back down from an argument/fight.
7. I like fantasising.
8. Underneath everything, i'm an extremely clingy person.
9. I steal too much.
10. Lostprophets have been my favourite band for two years.
11. I like staying up all night.
12. I have dyed red hair.
13. I love pizza hut.
14. I enjoy drama, but I know I'm not great at it.
15. I work better alone.
16. I can read extremely quickly.
17. Mine and Grace's dinosaur walk pwns.
18. I wish I had a shower.
19. I first took class A drugs when I was 14.
20. I miss her.
21. I'm very lazy.
22. I'm weigh quite a bit more than most of my friends but I don't want to lose weight because I don't want to conform to the status quo of how I supposedly should be.
23. I hate it when people are weak.
24. I don't like tea.
25. I don't want to grow up.
26. I hate being in teams because I need the freedom of failure.
27. I rarely revise.
28. I have a glow in the dark rubber duck.
29. No one ever stands up for me.
30. I'm ungrateful and spoiled.
31. I don't care about money; money means nothing.
32. I call people "bitch" as a term of endearment a lot.
33. Everyone thinks i'm scary. I'm not. Just a little girl with a big mouth.
34. I adore the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
35. I have a phobia of abandonment.
36. This is turning into one of the most honest things i've written in a while.
37. I have a blog which I named after writing on a top of mine.
38. I own one proper dress,
39. It's not me, it's you.
40. I can be really stroppy and really moody and really annoying.
41. My hair doesn't get brushed that much.
42. I always seem to get stuck in Newport on the train.
43. I enjoy history.
44. I think natural blonde hair is incredibly beautiful.
45. I waste a lot of time in front of a computer screen.
45. I love Fight Club and Finding Nemo equally.
46. I am a mixture of a bitter, cynical old person and an excitably eager toddler.
47. I have no style. I just wear whatever I find on the floor.
48. I sing a lot. Badly.
49. Not many people will have read this far.
50. I like wearing alice bands.
51. Gigs are great.
52. I cry if i'm really angry and there's no one to shout at.
53. The further I get down this list, the more I wonder why anyone is friends with me.
54. I like studded belts. I wore mine so much they fell apart.
55. I like stickers.
56. I don't give a damn about merits.
57. I feel like I've failed more when I do follow the rules.
58. I believe Graffiti is art in its purest form.
59. Storms are fun.
60. I'm not sure why i'm putting all this on the internet.
61. I like cardies.
62. I write fanfiction even though I think it's wrong.
63. I wish I was more literate.
64. Smarties are so pretty.
65. Jelly tots are a good breakfast.
66. High street clothes shops give me panic attacks, headaches and invoke thoughts of self-hate and suicide.
67. I still can't understand why i'm putting this on the internet.
68. I like listening to David Bowie with my family.
69. I'm very immature. LOL! 696969696969!
70. I blame this town for a lot of my insecurity.
71. I have so totally seen Ian Watkins half naked.
72. I'm sick of waiting for my school years to be over.
73. I wear little to no make up.
74. I want to pierce my lip someday.
75. Last Train Home makes me feel like everything's going to be okay, but at the same time it makes me want to cry.
76. I should probably stop writing this list now.
77. I don't want to.
78. I'm a pessimistic little cunt.
79. There is hope for the future. There has to be.
80. I'm going to cheat at grown up life.
81. Essays are fun.
82. I might add to this list.
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