Honesty.

i'm listening to honesty by attack! attack!, sitting on my bed, trying to manoeuvre myself into some position where my neck and my back don't cane, and thinking about how i really really ought to go now.

i'm supposed to be walking down to the doctors so i can get my second HPV jab. Then i need to walk to work and do that, which will involve mopping the floor. This is a harder task than it sounds, especially trying to do it well.

i went to see my favourite band again on tuesday night. this is always a good thing. i also went to stay with daisy's relatives up in cumbria over the weekend. we hung out with irish punks. this is also a good thing.

i'm not really going into detail, cos... well, cos i'm thinking i oughta go soon and not get too into writing this. i might do a decent one later after work, i might not. who knows? I doubt anyone actually cares. And that's not me on a downer or being self deprecating, it's honesty. I don't live my life online, and not that many people like me. it's okay.

i probably won't write one though. i'll probably just go out. i'm doing a lot of that lately. going off without sorting things out first... coursework is piling up, word documents are shouting at me in my brain.

i can't help it. every time i have a night in it feels like i wasted it.







sometimes i wish i didn't have pictures of you all over my wall.

I know we will always be moving.

You can't tell anyone everything about yourself. You have to keep some things back so that you're still you're own person. If you share all your secrets, every inner working of your heart and mind, then what have you got left for yourself?

the closer you get with someone the more you see. the more you learn in life, the more known unknowns you come to realise exist. the closer you get to someone, the more you realise you will never know how it feels to be inside their mind. you're just connected to them. to their heart. and it aches. and it takes. and you don't know what to do.

it's like... the more books i read, the more books i hear about that i haven't read. and i know i can never read all the books in the world and i'm ok with that, i'm happy with that.

but the more i know you and spend time with you the more i know you the more i know what it's like to live your life, and yet i realise more and more that i have no idea what it's like to live your life. i can't put myself in your shoes. i don't know how to help. and it's like it's killing me. like it's killing us.

it won't, because i don't intend to just let us go, but... yeah.
this shouldn't really be a blog. but it is.

i don't know what to do with us. and i don't know what to do with me. mostly i feel like i'm coming apart at the seams, but it doesn't hurt. i'm just...floating around, millions of tiny body parts all over the place. obviously i'm talking pretentious metaphorical bullshit right now. you knew that, right?

basically, i don't know who i am. that's hardly surprising though, right? teenager and all. i'm still just another one of millions, another young and arrogant face.

and i believe people i shouldn't. i believe magazines with their pictures of their thin girls. and it's all bullshit. it's wrong.

i honestly believe our entire culture has a warped view of some things, so extreme that no one can see the truth. it's like, i'm probably incredibly naive but at least i know it. just things like food and eating. "fats" are "bad" but without them we wouldn't survive. It's because we've become so incredibly warped in one way- fats and sugars being the "nicest" foods and the "treats" and our tastebuds craving that side of the spectrum. and then suddenly they're also the "Bad" ones that you only have occasionally. we're just... we're fucked. we're totally fucked. and i want there to be a way back, but i don't think there is, until everyone -and i mean
everyone cos there's no point otherwise- realises how fucked we are. and wants it to be right again.

it's not going to happen, is it? It's not the end of the world and i can't see it from here but i can see we're on our way.

could be snappier.

just realised,

i haven't changed since i was five. still like making everything up in my head. still don't like being told what to do. still fixate on particular foods. still think boys are icky and should have to stay away from me unless i say so at all times.


seriously. boys. ICK. ICKY. I DON'T LIKE THE MALE RACE.
except for the few exceptions. which consists of select welsh boys(and honourary ones), MJ, my dad and my granddad.
no, actually, don't like him either.

i suppose doctor who's alright.
still broke rose tyler's heart though.
fucking bastard.
x

For the last 13 hours ish I have been mostly sat at my laptop with a blanket wrapped around me. A lot of it has involved watching Lostprophets live videos. Not even the good quality ones from Reading or whatever, the really shitty ones someone's done on their own camera. But I like them a lot, because they're usually really close to the stage and even though it's all shit quality you can feel the energy, you can feel it.

So... i've got the majik blanket. Gone through plenty of emotions and thoughts, ranging from feeling shit to excited and little bits of hysteria popped in once or twice.

Mostly I've just been sort of expressionless though. Bit apathetic.

There are things I should just be grinning about, though... well, i blame hangovers and... hormones. I'll get off my arse by 2PM and have a nice afternoon. I am promising myself this.

Ha. Aled Philips just said he might mosh.
I'm pretty sure he's joking.
I hope he is, for his own sake. He doesn't seem like the type to... no.
Just no.

But! It's sunny. I'm meant to go over my best mates soon to... get drunk. In the sunshine. Lostprophets gig, tomorrow night. Lostprophets gig, night after. I mean, things could be so much worse. Could they be much better? Probably not.

So why can't I seem to smile properly?

I don't know, but I feel like a moody... self indulgent teenager who just isn't trying. Am I trying? Yeah, I'm trying to smile properly. I swear it. It's just not fucking coming out well.

I have a bruise on my chin. It hurts. But I have no right to complain, seeing as it's a DRI. Complaining about drink related injuries is like complaining about a cut you did to yourself. Yeah, it might hurt and the nicer people might give you sympathy but at the end of the day you did it to yourself.

You do it to yourself, you do. And that's what really hurts.

Lol, radiohead. It might be a bit of a dangerous time to listen to them, what with it being sunny, summertime, and gorgeous. They might make everything cloudy, raining and miserable again.


Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way, i'm not risking it. Just in case...

I need a bath. I feel really skanky. My hair isn't actually greasy though, so I think I can get away with leaving it till tonight.

In the meantime... I'm going to take superblanket (Yes, i have named it) to Daz's... go out somewhere nice where the sun shines and get pissed. Lalala, what an imagination the youth of today have.

Lately...

I couldn't think of an original title for this blog. I'm never really that good at titles. I try not to just steal from other people but eh, sometimes you have to just name a blog about the song you feel like listening to on repeat. : )

So... yeah. Summertime n'all... I don't know when I last did a blog, mostly because I keep going on the website (when on the net on my own), staring blankly at this empty space and then spamming twitter.

Anyway.

Spent the first weekend of the summer holiday with Daisy dearest, which was awesome... though I think yelling at God he didn't exist and to smite us (blame cider) might not have been a good idea. Honestly, soon as I got home my internet connection refused to work. The weather was normal. No storms, nothing. It just... wouldn't work for like an hour; and that's not the first time in my life something kind of freaky has happened. Maybe it was just coincidence, but I'm too open minded to truly believe that.

It's difficult sometimes to remain open minded without being so open minded your brains are liable to fall out, isn't it?

Anyway... then MJ came up and I spent quite a bit of time with the two people who i'm not related to and love most in the world. What did it result in? Well, lots of laughter, cheese "toasties", strawberry liqeur (nicest thing in the world, believe me!), some other stuff, trilby hats, chips, laughing at the chavs on my estate who stood in a line and stared at us and having heads down the toilet quite a bit.

Not sure I can think of a better way to start a summer off. Oh, went to two festivals too... one of which was freeeeeee. Cardiff big weekend was awesome because it was free, I liked all the bands, and we met Aled Philips! Haha, and this time it actually involved talking to him, not just him walking past and me not realising because I was so fascinated with a can of coke. (read: me jumping about while wearing what can only be described as a hippy jumper whilst he brushed past and left quickly, probably terrified.)

The Square festival cost about £40, but I reckon it was worth it. Though we couldn't camp in the end... because some twats jumped on our (already sick) tent, with us inside! We decided to abandon ship... I wanted to headbutt the bloke who did it but no one else seemed to think that would be a good idea, and we didn't see them anyway.

The wonderful thing about festivals is that you can go watch a band with no presumptions whatsoever, becuase you've never heard of them before. They might turn out to be total drivel, absolute shite, or they might be terrific. Fight Like Apes and The Joy Formidable are two bands who slot into the latter. We were lucky enough to catch TJF again at Cardiff Big Weekend, less than a week later I believe. Kerchiiiiiiiing!

And I can't remember the names of the shit bands. We went and looked at fun stuff while they were on anyway... or to the beach.

If I don't manage to be a published author or a van driver when I grow up, I might open a sandwich shop that stays open till like 5AM in a teeny tiny seaside town. Seriously. It was genius.

I don't like shandy though. That was a discovery I also made.

Uh... so what next... after cardiff big weekend we went back to MJ's. I was there for a few days, happy as larry, whoever he is, then suddenly one morning i'm sitting there listening to HU and BLAM! I getta phonecall off my mum telling me I have another sister!

Wow. That's what i said. It was a better reaction than last time, trust me. So asap (well, next day but shush) i jumped on a train back up to Ludlow and met little Sunny Rose. She was gorgeous, is gorgeous. Lalala of course my mum was right in saying that as soon as she was born we'd all love her and things wouldn't seem to matter as much...

However, there IS still the issue of now having 5-6 people living in a three bedroom house. I'm sure we'll survive.

I haven't done any holiday homework yet. I'm sure I'll survive.

BEHIND YOUR SMILE FORGET THAT I WAS LEFT WITH EVERYTHING.

...Ahem... *Controls and composes self*

Basically, I met up with my ludlow friends while I was there.. some of it was lovely. Some of it was disappointing. I shouldn't let myself even care any more, I should know that twats will be twats will be twats. Urgh.

It's fine. Anyone who was twatty didn't get any of my cider. Ha.

Moving on... came back down here, hung out with Susie and Ellie also (lovely to see them both, and it's a travesty Peterborough isn't closer!) and... saw a LOT of Lostprophets videos.

Lostprophets.
It's this month. It's the month where... although I do control this beast and chain her up 99.9%of the time, a screeching, screaming fangirl bursts out of me.

But only when the loud songs are playing so she can scream along with the lyrics. Honest.

I really could be a lot worse. At Cardiff big weekend a girl next to me (while A!A! where playing) honest to god, no exaggeration, spent the set SCREAMING Ryan Day's name. Seriously.

Love, he doesn't care about you. And your big straw hat is uneccesary in all this rain, not to mention annoying with the way it keeps hitting my head.

...flashbacks are great.

Anyway! Where was I? AH! LOSTPROPHETS! Undoubtedly my favourite band, one year yesterday since I last saw them live, two years and four months minus one day since I saw them live for the first time, and nine days until I see them two nights in a row.

Did I mention I'm a loser?

Hahaha. But.. without sounding too much like a teenieslashstalker, they're a band that matter a lot to me, have mattered a lot to me for a long time (well, a long time for someone as young as I) and if they go on mattering this much to me until i'm past 18, I might just immortalise that in ink.

I'm on about a tattoo, by the way, not writing them a letter.

Right... well I've blathered on for long enough. my life is still composed of it's general elements and containing it's usual factors... shorts with tights, being under the influence, welsh rock bands, sunshine, yelling "fuck you" (SOMEONE IN A CAR WHISTLED AT ME. WHISTLED. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? *ANGER*), midnight missions, the written word, and... overthinking everything. : )

August is a month where I always do my best not to come down to earth. I know it'll hurt when I come back to earth with a bump in september, but fuck that because it's far ahead in the future and anyway the whole world might just implode before that and the worries and plans I make in advance could all be for nothing, absolutely nothing.

Bai. X

Crispy crunch, chewy munch!

Alriiiiiight, lalala, haven't done one of these in a while, starting it off in the usually brilliantly eloquent fashion where i make my sentences too long and nonsensical and pretty damn immature. Woo.

I do always have this fantastical view of summertime, as if everything changes around now and my whole life is just perfect. When no, that's not quite the deal. The weather's nicer and I have more freedom. Things don't necessarily get a great deal better than usual.

I mean.. sure, i've had some great experiences since i broke up from school. I've been under the influence, been to a few festivals, wandered around Welsh towns, spent ages with MJ, got a new lovely sister and met one Aled Philips. : )
And i'm not done having fun, there's still Lostprophets and i'm off to Salisbury again tomorrow, so that's cool.

But the general things that bother me? Yeah, they're still there. School's out, which does improve things hugely, but there are still things that upset me. Because I'm upset too easily and I shouldn't be so damn sensitive and quick to temper. But I don't really know any more, I can't tell if i'm overreacting or if my behaviour is justified.

But I... I just hate anything that's made into an offensive joke about my sexuality. I know my friends aren't about to string me up and try and tell me i'm wrong or whatever, that they're all cool with it, and perhaps that should be enough? But one friend in particular drags it up every time he can.

"Normal girls do that."
"what do you mean, normal girls?" My hackles raising at this point.
"you know, girls who aren't lesbians." -insert immature smirk-

I hate it. He doesn't understand and probably doesn't care how difficult the last year and a half has been, how fucking painful it all was, how goddamn messy my head gets over this. It shouldn't bother me and it shouldn't matter but frankly, it does. It bothers me that people can pick on me and judge me and get away with it all, just because I'm not really into cock, and most people in authority are not willing to deal with these kinds of problems.

Last time I complained to a teacher about a homophobic comment a kid had made, the teacher just started turning it into a "well, you're probably gay yourself! ;D" style joke. Until I told him he was a wanker and to go fuck himself and walked out of the class.

Why is this another blog about sexuality discrimination? Why? I've spent so long on it, i hate it, i'm never going to eradicate it, no one wants to listen to me talk about it any more. no one round here, because frankly it doesn't directly affect them, so they don't give a shit.

This is becoming negative and probably kind of whiny, not to mention repetetive. I'll just give it up now.

Scillintate, Scillintate.

I always feel strange on thursdays. I don't mean to say I feel particularly unhappy or anything on thursdays, I'm just... strange, on this day. I start getting kind of spaced out and imagining things being different and wanting suddenly to be some sort of dress-wearing pseudo french girl who quotes placebo lyrics in conversation.

I don't really know what i'm talking about. I'm starting to realise recently that... teenage years is known to be when you start growing up a bit and learning who you are. And looking back, when I was like 11 or something I thought I knew myself perfectly well, inside out, knew how i'd behave or act in nearly any given situation. Now, most the time, I don't even know who I am. I can't really decide who the girl in the mirror is.

Not to be self absorbed or pretentious, naturally. I'm not even self deprecating, I'm just... floating. yeah, I think that's how I feel. A lot lot lot of things have happened over the last year or two and if i'm honest, a lot of them have been shit. The school year finishes tomorrow and I don't think it could have been a much worse year really, realistically.

I've also recently been told just how bad the reputation my school has around here, and... it's pretty damn bad. Apparently we're seen as the worst school in the area by all the surrounding schools... I thought Shrewsbury was meant to be bad? Apparently we're worse. Oh well. Interestingly enough, within my school, apparently my year are seen as the worst group they've had in years. They're all worried about whether or not we're going to continue their [lucky] streak of exceeding every previous years GCSE grades, too.

Oh well. So sorry if my peers and I don't manage to get you a pay rise, Mr P!

As a matter of fact, I got my report yesterday, and I am a fucking NERD. Every subject, i've been given an A as an end of year grade! Except french, (which is shit) where i got a D, and Science (where i've had to put up with the most twatty twats of twatville ever) where I'm on a C.

But overall, I think that's reasonable. I can't let myself think about Grace's of course (all A* and two As) but that's just the same as ever. It's rather good for someone who had ...70% attendance not too long ago. When I did go into school I might as well have had "FUCKOFFFUCKOFF" written on my forehead. I looked so fucking... stereotypically dykeish. I shudder to think of it. I hate it.

I've got history coursework to do. Bolloccccccccks. I reeeeeeally don't feel like it.
But if I don't do it my teacher WILL probably make me... stay late after school and finish it off tomorrow or something. Eh.

I feel bad for not doing any blogs about anything that REALLY matters to me. T_T
I will soon. :7

oh, and on another note, happy birthday to Jamie Oliver! [not the chef]
as a few people know, he is a bloke i find really inspirational, so yeah... =)

Have

Have you ever listened to Mcqueen? Y/N? I'm guessing N, because I only know about two people who have ever actually heard of them. One of them only knows them because I introduced him to them.

Anyway, Mcqueen have a song called Neurotic. I'll tell you whyyyyyyyyy I'm not neurotic! It's a song I used to listen to a LOT when grounded. it also has the lyrics stop overreacting, you're boring me.

Why I'm talking about Mcqueen may not currently make any sense to you. But, what I was going to say was, I was thinking of calling this blog "GAAH"
Just "GAAH"
Because I feel a little GAAH. But gaah is rather neurotic. And if there's one thing I try not to be, it's neurotic. Because it's just... annoying. And boring. I probably fail at this and do have neurotic tendencies, but that isn't the point.

The point is... jaysus. I'm... urrrrrrrgh. I'm so sick of the grind. its only been, what, 3 days back at school and i'm already groaning and having urges to claw bits of my skin off.

That was a tad overdramatic, but... you see my point. I won't go into the whole story because right now i'm immensely tired, but yeah, on monday there was some shit... major flashback to like, a year ago. Urrrrgh, no, no, no, not going back there plzthnx. There's still no one else standing up for me, but if I have to I will just walk out the door. There's no way I'm going to let people turn me back into the person I was before. No... I'm not willing to go back to taking eight proplus a day, skiving at every opportunity, hiding under my duvet in the mornings and just being completely absorbed in fiction. I'd rather not be quite that much of a pathetic little wreck, ta.

I don't remember what i was saying. Oh yes, i'm very tired, very fed up, very blaah. Just like a lot of poeple right now, i think.. bloody whiny blog. Don't read it. Just don't follow my blog. Srsly.

cause and effect.

Do you believe that for every action performed, there's an opposing one taking place at the same time?

Like... every time someone does something stupid someone else is being really clever, as someone dies, another is born, as a person throws up another eats their dinner?

My description and ideas are fucking lovely, I know.

I don't think this blog is really about cause and effect at all, it just sort of sounded good. That's the way it usually goes with me, but whatever, I'll just cover it up with an amused emoticon and some sort of brazen, obnoxious expression.

Maybe i'll add a "lol" in there. Then I'll ask what you've been up to.

yes, I'm struggling to commmunicate with a few people who used to be close friends. it's just that... urgh, no one's nasty or anything, I just don't even know them any more. I don't even want to. I just... don't have any interest. I feel like we've outgrown each other. Lovely people, but they're like lovely pieces of a jigsaw that I don't fit with. Maybe i'm in a different jigsaw. Maybe I'm a piece of lego? I dunno. Maybe they're lego and I'm duplo. Or---

Ok, gonna stop with the metaphors inspired by children's toys, now. Yes, I spent two weeks doing work experience for a primary school, my own primary school in fact. I have come to the startling conclusion I actually quite like kids.

Ha. Cue the paedophilia jokes. No but seriously, some of them are very sweet and/or interesting to be around. Like this little boy I met called Curtis. He was so smart. For a 6 year old, ya know. But he also shouts so much. just... EVERYTHING is a MASSIVE volume. It's interesting really. Not sure why. Just is.

I don't know if it's made me any more inclined to have my own brats. I know I definitely don't want any for at least... ooh, the next sixteen years? i need some freedom from kids, really. If I were to become one of those teenage mothers (which would never happen, but yeah) if i were, i'd have had to deal with kids... my whole life, really. S'abit heavy. I'd like some time away from tiny plastic dinosaurs and the half eaten apples you find in the dish, ta. (:

This wasn't meant to be a what-i've-been-up-to-blog. I don't ever mean to do those, things just sort of... come out. Gah, as if anyone cares. Oh well.

I can't be bothered with the original idea. maybe i'll do it later.

peace.

Feels like the bad old days.

All of them mixed up into one hour.
Nah. I'm being melodramatic. It doesn't feel like the bad old days, it just... it has similar elements. Staying up all night and drinking and things. But this time it's different, because it's all just for recreational purposes. I ain't hell bent on forgetting my own name this time.

I was trying to write something but it's just not coming out right. I know what i mean, but I don't think the way I've written it makes sense. So annoying.. the character who's thinking it is meant to be straight up and clear and straightforward with excellent hair. He would make sense. but I don't, so I'm struggling to write someone who does.

I have come to the conclusion just recently, that I really do talk a lot of shit. "I wish I could grow a dick in forehead so I could pretend to be a unicorn!" what the fuck is wrong with me? it's quite funny for the most part, but occasionally I do actually think after i've just opened my mouth and talked, and... oh mai. It's not good, a lot of the time.

I really really cannot be bothered with people wallowing in their own misery and depression and self pity right now. I won't deny I ever did, god, I was probably the most whiny bitch anyone knew for a while there but I don't do it NOW. So I have a right to say that 90% of people from mibba.com are annoying as hell.

oh. that felt good.

Yeah, realised after two years of having an account that most of the current members are pretty much turnips. I can't be bothered with it, I've been there longer than half of them and they're still annoying as hell.
Whatevs. I'm over it.

I'm horribly tired, like, desperate to close my eyelids. nononono. It's gone 5. if its gone 5 there's no point in sleeping.

I'll just get... lots of caffeine tomorrow.:7

I want to work on my writing. Hmm.

I talk shit.

yey.

Feels like the bad old days.

Updates.

I really dislike social networking sites, about as much as I like them. I like them very much because they're easy, an excuse to waste time and sometimes (very, very occasionally) you can actually meet cool people through them.

But I was on about the disliking part. I dislike the status updates. I dislike the fucking arrogance and delusions of grandeur that they bring out in people. I dislike people constantly telling me, through facebook or bebo or myspace or twitter or whatever that they're "so hot omg" or "watching eastenders" or "having beans on toast for tea". Another similar thing the websites do is tell you every time a "friend" does anything different. xXheart-core-lozzaxXx has updated her photo's!

And you find that Lauren, as she was called originally before the X's and the Z's came into fashion, has once again taken a number of photo's of herself from above, giving us all a clear (though over exposed) view down her top and of her cleavage, but not of her face. Her lips will probably also be an important thing in the photo, glossed up and pouting, for all the world a 14 year old pornstar.

I've gone off on a little tangent here, but what i'm trying to get at is simply that... I find the entire attitude horribly arrogant, cocky and presumptuous to think that I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK.

I DON'T give a shit if you're having beans on toast, or if you've got a bit of a cold. I don't give a shit about your fucking opinions. I don't give a fuck about your stupid posey pictures!

...Of course, this begs the question, why don't I delete my accounts on these websites? They're not likely to change and really, I should just remove the irritation from my life and stop whinging about it. And come on, I'm writing blogs, it's probably arrogant of me to assume anyone gives a shit about my fucking opinions.

The difference just is... the annoying ones who post their status updates (because they're not all annoying, the ones I like aren't annoying usually) are all really thick. At least 80% of the world seems to be made up of stupid dickheads right now, and it's getting on my nerves.

I can't really help it if I don't like reading the equivalent of heat magazine, only about people I know and don't particularly like, every time I go online. But I don't have to read it. This is highly unnecessary rant, and it could all be solved very simply, if I just stopped being a hypocrite.

But hey, I like facebook. I need it to find out how many of my chakras are open, anyway. : )
And remember, 80% of the world are stupid dickheads. The other 20% are fucking morons who just think they're great.

Again and again.

I think sometimes that life consists of many different cycles. There are of course the physical, biological cycles, but I don't really mean those; this is quite unsurprising as I'm hardly scientifically minded.

No, I'm talking the cycles of... how life goes and how you feel. Okay, so you go through a certain amount of time of things seeming pretty good. You enjoy this part and keep going of course, because keeping going in those times is nice. You don't even think about why you're going or even that you are, you just do it. Then it gets to that part where it's still kind of fun, but it's getting hard. You have to work more, or deal with more shit or whatever. And at those times, you have the nice times not far behind you so you're keeping sight of those times, of that light in the tunnel. Finally there's that cycle where things ain't so pleasant, where things are actually just a fucking grind and you're starting to think the light at the end of the tunnel was never there at all, that it was just a train.

Sometimes, each cycle can last about ten minutes. Especially if you're a bit impatient or have a low attention span. Heh. Nah, I think people mostly live in that middle part of the cycle... and it's probably necessary, for you to appreciate the first part. It's also necessary to have the first part so you remember to keep going throughout the third...

I may be making very little sense to anyone reading. That's fine.

I'm watching Question Time. people are shockingly nasty about Gordon Brown. I know he's botched the job up a bit, but I still think he could be worse. That's the thing everyone needs to remember in my opinion... could always be worse. We coulda lost the war and been taken over by Nazi Fascists. And all be speaking German.

Or alternatively, the BNP could have gained two seats in Europe. Oh, wait! They did.
I have to say the politics of 2009 in Britain are, so far, an utter shambles. What a bloody load of bollocks!
I love Britain, but I'm growing to hate the things we have to represent us. It seems to me that to represent us, we now have: tea, binge drinking, recession, bad dancers dressed as darth vader, and really awful politicians.

The British National Party are not anything I would like to be associated with even in the most remote sense, thank you very much. Or should I say fuck you very much? Lord knows I'm no fan of the tory party but the BNP make even them look like fluffy nice bunnies in comparison. The BNP are a fascist party who incite discriminative hatred and, due to this, I fail to understand how they're allowed to be a party. Oh, of course i support democracy and everyone having their own beliefs and a say and all, but the things these people believe and say are undeniably fucking wrong.

I think it was Nick Eriksen, of the BNP, who said that rape shouldn't be considered an offence because it was "just sex" and "women enjoy sex", was it?

yes, I think so. And I struggle to remember just which lovely member of the party said it, but certainly another member of the BNP described AIDs as "a friendly disease...blacks, drug users and gays all have it"

These people, in my opinion, are everything that is wrong with the world. Everyone's saying they only got the seats through protest votes, but I don't understand this! How the HELL can you think voting for these pretentious dastardly bastards as a protest just to say you don't like libdem, tory or labour going to fucking help? If you must do that, at least vote green or summat!

Yeah. We'll solve the issue of our main three parties being shite by voting in racist sexist homophobic fascist bastards!

Nazi Germany began in a time of a recession.
See, everyone says that history is pointless, but I'd like to point out that it repeats itself.

Everyone please just connect your brains for five minutes and remember that if you are not white, male, heterosexual and otherwise not deemed acceptable or conforming to the standards that the BNP fancy, you will not be welcome any more. Becaus they will kick you out.

your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peach

yes.

THE PEACH.

We can learn from this section of the scene that he is very high in status and authority, the highest, in fact. This would have been also presented through performance, as he is described as being sat atop his horse- the visual effect tells the audience subconsciously that he is both physically and legally higher up than either of the Houses are and therefore more powerful. It also tells the audience that the Prince wishes to protect Verona and his subjects. “If ever you disturb our streets again, your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.”

This is part of my english coursework. Due in...three days ago. Only I just wrote all of that with forfeit of the peach on the end.

I think i may be a little tired.

I refuse to turn to caffeine! NO!
caffeine is bad. especially when you depend on it.
but i don't any more. so m'cool.

yeah, i should... yeah.

Summer plans are beginning to swing in, which is quite lovely.
sunshine and shorts are appearing. yaaay.

...i discovered my faithful shorts have massive crotch rips in them. Gah. I need new ones...i have had these for about four years.
But still! it's UPSETTING.

¬_¬

I have maths exams soon...and yuhup, i'm scared. i'm working lots but..i have a horrible feeling it isn't enough. >_<

blaaaah. i better finish writing about the forfeit of the peach...

Gosh.

I haven't done a blog for a rather long time, it would appear. Or a long time inside of the timescale in internet world...
I'm not sure where I'm going with that. But it's a while since I did one.

Ah my. I've done.. things. 2009 is..interesting. It seems to be a year for breaking your parents hearts without even trying, you know?

I stole that from a story I read. Shh.

Nah, I'm not in the mood for a blog. I think of ideas for blogs all the time and never write them out. I am busy a lot though, so..yeah. I don't have time that much. I'll do one soon though, I reckon... yeaah.

I want...

I want I want I want I want lots of things.

I want to sleep. I want to sleep for a few days. I want another day to do all my work with no distractions or complications. I want April half term. I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I want to lose weight. I want to be skinnier. I want to get things done. I want energy. I want a fucking cigarette or three. I want my complexion to be better. I want to feel close with my friends again. I want the weather to be warm and sunny more. I want to go to every english lesson I have now that we're doing Romeo and Juliet. I want to keep positive. I want to do well in school. I want to get at least a B in both of my maths exams in June. I want to do well. I want to go to college, I want to go to uni. I want to go to Give It A Name. I want a piercing. I want to escape Ludlow.

but i want doesn't get. so I'd better get off this and do my work, regardless of how heavy my eyelids feel right now.

laptop died...

I'm tired and I feel like I could sleep for days. I feel drained. I know I couldn't write anything right now if I tried.

I feel so tired in every possible sense. I feel worn out. I feel guilty. It's because of about three things, but I won't go into them. Not... now. Especially as at least one of them is totally irrational and ridiculous. But I struggle to seperate myself from fiction so often that it isn't all that surprising.

Half term in two weeks. I just need to keep this going till then. I'm just.. urgh. bad things keep happening. I'm doing everything I can to fight them off and it's just wearing me down.

I'm not losing it again, I won't, I refuse to. Because the people who deliberately make my life difficult don't deserve the satisfaction. They aren't worth a second of my time. not a heartbeat.

Huh. Stomach kinda hurts. Back kinda hurts. Head kinda... really hurts.

Yeah, my head is weird right now. A strange mixture of giddy and pained and woozy... probably because I haven't eaten properly for a while. Was a bit preoccupied with throwing up yesterday so I didn't eat at all then. I've had a bit today, but eh, food's kinda gross.

I keep getting bored with music. I think it's because I've spent so many hours sitting at my laptop just listening to it all. There's been nothing else I wanted to do.
Having said that, Elastica are rather cool. I like finding my mum's old CD's and sticking them on here to listen to. Also, Justine Frischman is stunning, in a Molko-esque way.

Can't decide if i'd rather miss school again tomorrow [and therefore get to miss double French] or go back tomorrow and see if I can sort things out about business studies, i.e not do business studies any more and do art instead.
But chances are that won't be sorted out in the space of one day, so... yuh.

I dunno what I'm going on about.

It's not the end of the world now, baby.
So come on, dry those tears.

Incident Radiation.

No, this is not a blog about Incident radiation. I don't think it is anyway but as I don't know what incident radiation is, I can't be certain.

I've been reading about stars, the Pleiades to be more specific. Stars are beautiful and surprisingly interesting, in my opinion. I've enjoyed learning about something that I have to look words up to understand properly.

For example, interstellar. I'll confess, I have seen that word before many times but never actually known what it meant. It was in some of the text about the Pleiades that I was reading, so I looked it up. And now I know what it means. I feel... oddly accomplished.

I want to go to the library tomorrow, get a book about stars, and read it on top of the world. On top of the world, by the way, is not a specific place. It's just that way you feel when you've been walking for ages, in whatever mood or state, and suddenly you're there. It's probably windy all around you and probably cold because of it but you don't really care because there's a view. And such a view. A view of the world.


...Or, y'know, clee hill. That's more likely, around here. Ha.
And I don't have a library card any more because I have a crap memory and am crap at self control, so I didn't take some stuff back in time... so they kicked me off. Booooo.

"They can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out."

There are many things in the world which are undesirable to be. One of those things, in my eyes at least, is a cliche. And I'm afraid that I in a way am becoming or have become one of those.

I'm a teenager and while it would be lovely to be one of those kids who always acts happy go lucky and seems to just get on with everyone, I'm not one of those kids. I never have been.

I'm not happy go lucky. I'm not that easygoing. I'm understanding but I'm not always all that accepting. I'm not well behaved but i'm not one of those super cool "i'ma rebel" type kids, either. When I got in trouble as a young kid, it was for either not concentrating and working too slowly, or for being nasty.

Times don't change that much, when you think about it.

(When I say being nasty, I don't mean I bullied little kids for their smarties or anything. I mean I was in some fights and I bit a girls shoulder this one time... and she bled and cried... but yeah, lets not go into that little area...)

But yeah. Cliches and all that stuff. I'm teenage. Yes, I'm a teenager and I'm a girl. So a teenage girl, all in all. We're now very dangerously close to cliche territoiry... and when I tell you that I'm currently feeling somewhat put out thanks to not being invited to a sleepover a friend is having tomorrow night, I've really managed to hit it. Now is the part where I complain I'm fat and I talk about how fit some guy is, yeah?

Nah. I don't do many of those things. I don't wear make up other than eyeliner or make an effort because when I do "make an effort" I look just as shite, if not worse than I did before I started. So my theory is, never make an effort and people see you don't look that good... but they put it down to the fact that you didn't make the effort. If you make an effort and they still see that you look like crap it's a bit more like... ooh. yeah. You always look rubbbish, don't you?
Except I don't think they'd say that.
They'd probably just go get off with one of my attractive friends.

See? I'm so a cliche. I'm the... angsty, nerdy weird teenage girl who nobody understands, man!!111 I probably listen to Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance and watch geeky art films like chocolat.

I haven't got a clue where that came from.
If you listen to Simple Plan, MCR and like watching Chocolat, please don't think I was having a personal dig at you. I wasn't.

My point is... I keep going off topic. That's another bad habit of mine, rambling. Lots of rambling. But I hope that somewhere, through the rambling and the overthinking and the ranting... I'm actually finding something. I'm usually trying to find something. The meaning of something, the message of something, the inspiration of something.

I want to know things. I want to think. I've always liked those times when you can be forgiven for doing nothing but thinking, thinking over little ideas in your head or thinking about other people and other things in your life. You know, like when you're walking somewhere or you're swimming or... I don't know. Times like that.

I don't think anyone will understand what I'm on about. but that's okay, I'm used to nobody understanding me. I'm a tortured goffik soul. Heh.

I don't know what this blog was supposed to be about. Scrolling up...

Oh yes. Cliche.

I'm afraid i'm becoming a) boring and b) a cliche.
I'm afraid of b because I'm a fifteen year old girl who generally has low self esteem, has been physically and verbally abused and bullied, has always felt left out and for the past few weeks has wanted to empty a box of pills down her throat.

Yeah. I must be emo. *cue music*

The only things that i'm thinking are holding me back from emo status currently are... the very very colourful paper and ballooons I decorated my room with, and..uh...I like The Streets? so not emo. He has a song called "stay positive" for chrissake.

I dunno what I'm on about.
I just want my words to mean something and be honest at the same time.
I don't think i can carry it off the way I would like to.

This appears to be the correct point to end the blog out. But I am, in so many ways, incorrect. And anyway, I don't think I'm quite finished. So I shall continue.

I have scratches on my arms which are now fading nicely. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I think it probably is, but it doesn't mean I like it.
I want to go to give it a name and slam dunk. Will I get to go to both? Probably, yes, because I am somewhat spoiled. My mum tries to spoil me because she feels guilty for putting me after her horrible boyfriend and two screaming brats so many times, and my dad because he feels bad for missing at least 30% of my whole life while he works for money that I'm sure we don't need all that much.

But hey, what do I know. I'm just a teenager who nobody understands, man.

I've been identifying with a large amount of Pink lyrics lately. Tis interesting.

I'm thinking I might just punch that boy if he says anything to me tomorrow. I'd probably get away with it, right now. Trouble is, he never says a direct insult any more. It's just my name, said in a mockingly enthusiastic way designed to piss me off or make me feel uncomfortable. Well yeah, you know what, you do piss me off. Majorly. But you'll never know me.


Staring at the cracks in the walls
because I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
because it's taking over my head all over again.

Lying awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain.
I don't even want to try.

Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not.

It's a clear image in your mind and yet nothing is static and everything is falling apart. [/blatantPalanhuikripoff]

Anyway. It's a clear image in your mind and yet nothing is static and everything is falling apart. Nobody realises it, but they're all on the edge of a precipice that they could fall into at any moment.

It's constantly hammered into you, the idea that you go to school and you work and you follow their rules and you do your work and you go home and you do your homework and you sleep and you go to school and you do your work and you go home and you do your homework and you sleep.

Well, you do if you're a good kid. If you don't, you're not one. If you do your homework and you wear neat clean perfect uniform and you follow all their rules you get praised.
If you do the shitty little assignments and tick the boxes and generally allow yourself to be drip-fed all the constant bullshit that these people trot out every day, then you're a good kid, and you can have a sticker.

You're a good kid, with your stickers and your A's and your plain black shoes and your ungraffitied planner.

but you know what?
I think you're really fucking boring.

...

Just realized that I'm sick of waking up in the morning.
If I could wake up in the evening, would that make it feel better?


Weird dreams are still ongoing.
I have to go to school now.
I hope I get hit by a car on the way.

eh

I have that weird, kind of tight feeling in my throat and chest. Not like upset or painful or anything, it's just that feeling when you're tired. Or when i'm tired I get it, anyway. It's to do with the oxygen, I think. Too tired to breathe properly, so not enough oxygen is in my lungs or bloodstream... then I yawn because there isn't enough in my brain and I feel weirdly short of breath and yet not out of breath, because... there's not enough oxygen.

Basically, I'm too tired to breathe properly.
That's what I think it is anyway.

I have homework I should do, homework due in tomorrow, but I'm not. I don't know if I will. I'm too fucking tired from school and trains to do anything but sit on my bed eating pasta and reading and writing tales about rockstars that were never true.
Well. I've been reading some.
I'm too tired to write.
Which is shit.

I planned out like... a whole story in English this morning. I wish I'd had a notebook with me so I could start writing it. But I didn't. Only school books, and somehow I think that writing Stu's description of Jamie and what it's like to be in love with him in the back of my science book might not go over brilliantly. It's just not a good idea on top of everything thats happened lately.

I'm getting confused over where to put apostrophes.
This is never good.

This is pretty much a blog of nothingness, but there you go...

I'm getting lost in the meaning.

She's just walking out on life.

That is something which I overheard my father recently say to my mother. I had done the typical teenage act of storming out, in tears. He and my mother -who are seldom in the same building as each other, unless they have to go to a meeting about their mess of a daughter- began to argue about me; he said that I was walking out on life but my mother argued that my behaviour was not symbolic of what I was actually actually trying to get through, which was improving my life and trying to be strong.

Every single day thousands, no, surely millions of people walk out on life. Hordes of people, many of whom were or had the potential to be amazing writers, cooks, muscians, teachers, plumbers, electricians, waitresses, builders or lawyers. Beautiful people, ugly people, nice people, nasty people, all kinds of people from all walks of life. Many many many people decide or believe they cannot or do not want to live in this world, on this planet any more and that this is it for them. And they, therefore, take action to destroy their physical life forever.

I have a friend who once said to me that he believed people who had depression were "weak." I immediately turned on him angrily and started counteracting his idea, eventually concluding that he was a spoiled rich boy who had never really been through anything in his life.

I may or may not have been right in my argument, though I am still sure that he was wrong in his. My own mother is a character of extraordinairy strength, but she has suffered from depression several times in her life and mine. She tried to kill herself during her early twenties, tried to "walk out on life."
People like my aforementioned friend may have decided to call her weak for her actions and feelings, but I would not, and nor would anyone, I think, with any sense of compassion who knew what she had been through. My mother developed a mental illness after loss of a child. I think it would be fair to say, would it not, that this is rather understandable?

Mental illness and suicide are not something that should be taken lightly and yet these days all of it is. Many many people in our culture are diagnosed and prescribed and pushed and poked and talked about and whispered about and mumbled about and all the while hating everything around them, comparing themselves, wanting to walk out, just to walk out all the time. Not only do people have to feel this way and be treated this way, with this plastic kindness, but it seems like a large amount of it is glamorised, too.

Everyone seems desperate to have a mental illness. How often do we now hear the words, "I have bi-polar disorder" or "I feel like I might have this wrong with me..."
My entire generation is fast becoming a wave of hypochondriacs, with thousands of young adolescents full of false ideas of mental illness and depression.

It is very difficult, of course, to try and dissuade this sort of behaviour and these ideas without making people with actual mental illness and problems feel like they're making a fuss over nothing and don't have the right to speak out and ask for help.

It's more than simply a case of "don't worry, be happy," and yet far less than the idea that plenty of people are pushing forward, this insanity that we all have to have something wrong with our heads or moods. The basic facts, as far as I can see are this: Firstly, those with mental illness need help. They deserve help, and simply clapping them on the back and telling them not to be weak is not a route that heads to them getting better.
Secondly, if you do not actually struggle with mental illness, be very grateful. There are enough things in the world just waiting to kick every one of us down in different ways that we do not by any means need to do it to ourselves. So please, all those people who claim to have undiagnosed severe depression, bi-polar disorder or any other type of mental illness, go for a diagnosis. Because I have a feeling that not every third person I meet actually has such illnesses, so somebody must be lying.

If you are struggling in your life or with yourself, then you can get help. There are people on your side. Of course it isn't as simple or easy as that, and it often reaches a point with such things where the sufferer really does not want help any more, they just desire the peace they imagine will come with giving up. I am not here to order anyone around or tell anyone what to do. I am simply saying that, quite simply if you feel bad and it isn't going away, you can get help. You deserve help. You deserve to live. Many people walk out on this life, but it doesn't have to be you.

So, your daughter's depressed? We'll get her straight on the prozac!
But little do you know, she already takes crack.

Fuck sake.

Urgh. I almost don't believe this. And yet I believe it all too well.

You. are. so. PATHETIC! I fucking... uoijfskjhgksjbgdjbgsl;ehnbaslnbardslknbgl!!

You're a joke! I thought I was pathetic, I thought yeah, I do some stupid childish shit but ohmygod. You take the biscuit.

Correct me if i'm wrong, isn't calling someone on the phone to shout at them pretty fucking childish and immature and pointless?! Especially if it's the mother of your child?

jdfkjhsgklshnglkdfn.kfdnl.knfv;lkdjrs;ejh;jhl;kth I hate you sometimes.

oh yeah, and don't come in MY room when you get here at fucking ten to ten or whatever, and tell me that YOU'RE "very very stressed and upset."
YOU'RE stressed and upset?! fucks sake!
how many times have you wanted to throw yourself in front of a car this week? How many times have people insulted you in the street this week? How many times have you tried to leave scars on your own body this week? How many times have you had a friend start talking to you on the internet and say they "wanted to make sure something bad hadn't happened"?

ureruhgkjdhgdkjfhgdkjfbgkjdfhkfjkfjdh

when you came in and asked me how I was, I said I was okay. Do you honestly think that was the fucking truth?! No! you fucking know better thsn that, you fucking twat! So why did you feel the need for honesty? Honesty will get you nowhere right now. UHwijhrlkhnljh.

you're a fucking joke.

I don't know for certain

If that blog was about me or not.
But I do have a feeling it was.

If it was, you know what? Fair enough. I mean, yeah, it is about time karma bit me in the ass for all i've obvs done wrong. I mean, I totally went and attacked her. Unfairly. I never tried to be friends first. No way. She was just a victim the whole way through, and she still is- because we all make postsecrets just to MAKE HER FEEL BAD. We care enough about making her feel shit to actually bother with the effort of doing something like that. She is so totally worth that. We think about her that often.

What was I on about? Oh yeah. That guy in that band. He's so totally ugly. Ew. I don't like them. Anyway, who was I on about? Oh yeah. My little friend. No, wait- i'm the short one, right? yeah. The fact that she called me short is so hurtful. It's, like, so totally a painful insult. Cuts me real deep, man. It's not just a physical fact about me. It's not just stating the obvious.

"Oi, you! T-Shirt!"

But yeah. The short thing was hurtful, but the sketty thing? That was just heart wrenching. Actually, no, in all honesty I'd never heard it before so I had to look it up. I guess I'm just uncool like that.

Fat sweaty disgusting girl who no one wants. That was the definition I found, am I anywhere near the right bit? Because she does know best. Obvz. Her opinion matters more than, like, anyone elses!

She is SO RIGHT, you know. As always, she is damn right. I'm fat. And sweaty. And she would know, seeing as she has blatantly met me and seen pictures that showed my body. Not only is she right, it totally matters. It seriously matters if I'm a little on the chubby side. That's how the world works, BLATES. Shallow is the new deep.

And it's obviously me who no one wants. Oh no, it's not like this whole feud got started off when she had a strop about me dating her ex. No way. It's not like she's the single one with... shall we say, not much experience? It's totally not like I'm the one in a relationship with someone amazing. No way.

Yeah. I just, like, really wanted to clear all this up. She is so right, and ohmygosh, I like totally deserve to be unhappy, because I so attacked her first and bullied her. She's such a victim. A victim who is obvz totally hardcore and beautiful. She must be, right, because she's the one who gets to bitch about how everyone else looks and then spout off about there being no reason to be self conscious? and she's like TOTALLY hardcore. Did you know, she's totally going to hell? with all the best stories to tell!

It isn't like she's one of those people who get drunk off half a bottle of fizzy, additive filled panda pops that's passed off as alcohol. It's not like she's one of those people who pass like, all their exams and do their work like a good little girl. It's not like she's even more virginal than Mary was. It's not like the only thing she could ever go to hell for is being a bitch.

Not at all.

Just like it's nowhere near to the truth that I read her blog for a laugh every now and then. It's totally not like I don't read her pathetic little whinges and self absorbed rants and shallow ideas and laugh my fucking face off.

No way.

But I don't...

I don't ever want to feel like I did that day,
Take me to the place I love,
Take it all away.

Yeah. I haven't listened to the chili peppers properly in a while, too long. Under The Bridge is a beautiful song.

Talked to my parents.
I mean... really talked. And... yeah.

I'm not totally happy.
I'm not content.
I'll admit that.

There's no point pretending that things are suddenly good.
It's more like... they could be. Soon. Soonish.

In the mean time, I need to do things to ensure I won't give into that little voice in the back of my head. I'm making plans, having hopes and dreams and wishes. Because if I start to believe that I can and have to make them come true, I won't be giving up at the age of fifteen now, will I?

Things like;

-Getting a job.
-Dying my hair blonde [I know. It will look hilariously bad. But Susie dared me to, so I can't not. Hehehehe.]
-Fall Out Boy / Kids In Glass Houses.
-Getting The Blackout's new album. [Also goes for Lostprophets and KIGH, but TBO are the only ones who have announced a date.]
-GIAN. [depends on whether I can get said job or not.]
-Finishing education in this shithole.
-Writing all the stories inside my head down for them to affect others.
-Millions of cans of fanta that I haven't drunk yet.
-Millions of nights I haven't stayed awake through yet.
-Going to further education somewhere else, college, y'know? And Uni. I want to go to Uni and write many essays. I know I've only done, y'know, school essays, but I like essays. A lot.
-I'm gonna go live away somewhere. I wanted it to be Cardiff, and now I'm starting to get this slightly insane idea in my head. I quite like it though. I'm going to keep thinking about it.


Yeaah... pointless ramblings for you. ;D

The point is, i'm going to live.
I just sort of have to... push some of this shit aside, or break it down or... something.

I would quite like

To give up and stop existing.

Plzthnx.

all these words

all these words that I've accounted for, never fear another day, always charged but I need more, make me take away... tell me now, can you hear the sound of all these people falling down? growing back into the ground let me smile again...


Things are happening and yet they aren't. Things have happened so why can't I just let them be that and that alone? The past. Fuck the fucking past. but I can't forget, I can't seem to let go. I need to let go of it because it's dragging me under, taking me over. Everything here seems to be all pretentious and crappily poetic... it isn't intended this way.

She said I can move schools, but what's the point? Ludlow is shit, yeah, but is it really going to be any better anywhere else? And I know people here. I don't know what to do. I want to move... but maybe I don't. I don't know. I'm confused.

I'm not dead.

Time for brutal honesty.

This morning I felt pretty happy. I stayed up all night. I'm always happier in the morning when I haven't slept all night. I was happy. I bounced around. I met Daz and nicked half a packet of proplus from Tesco on the way to school. Got to school. Did double French.

Hadn't done homework so I got sent out along with three other kids in my class. Whatever, not bothered really. The other french teacher comes through the corridor bit and rather snottily said something about assuming none of us obviously wanting a pass grade. Course, this is me and I am a stupid, big mouthed git with no self control so I said that was unfair. She started yelling, I yelled back, yada yada yada. You know how it goes. So yeah, she then sent me out into the other corridor. So I got sent out of French, then sent out of where I'd been sent out to originally. Marvellous.

Had to go back at lunch to do the sheet that I was meant to do for homework but didn't because I didn't understand it. The teacher explained it to me again. Still don't... really get it. It's more like maths than you might imagine. My mood by then had slipped down considerably.

I said this was going to be brutally honest. I might as well not bother with hiding my secrets and scars. While my teacher was talking at me about verbs and pronouns and I was stood there feeling stupid and useless and everything, I could feel this heat behind my eyes. Heat in my eyes, prickling heat right at them and in the corners, and I knew I was going to cry unless I stopped myself. So I was digging in my nails as sharply as I could to my hips. I didn't cry.

By the time I'd finished the fucking French sheet lunch was nearly over. I went to the block where all my friends were and sat against the wall, with Joe on one side, pretty much making out with Grace, and Hattie on the other, who was talking to Fi about some boy that they all know but I don't. So I leant against the wall and felt pretty low and ignored, then Rory said something to me, which was alright. Joe also kind of dragged me towards him when the bell went, so I got a bit of a Joe hug for the first time in god knows how long. Which was nice. I miss him.

Then came PE. Ah. This is when it went really really tits up. We did basketball, and I actually really went for it. Running like a lunatic, I was. Then we finished the game and my chest was thumping and hurting, really bloody hurting and I was breathing heavily, gasping, and my neck was hot. My neck.

Alright, yeah, so I'm probably not very fit. But yeah. You see my point, I kind of needed a breather? I ran around in our second, crappy little game for a bit till it was my turn to get water.. I went out to the tap thingy and practically collapsed against it, I sat on the carpeted floor clutching this water fountain and gasping.

Then someone opened the door and started walking down the corridor so I knelt up, drank and went back into the hall we were playing basketball in. I couldn't play again. I leant against the wall and sank down a bit, I felt sick and my heart was thumping in my chest. I sat there for a bit, face in my hands. My teacher came over and started getting all pissy with me. I told her I felt ill. "In what way do you feel ill?" I burst into tears.

Not deliberately, in case you were wondering.

So, yeah... she told me I could "take a few minutes out" -_-.
I sat against the wall with my face in my hands and cried, till Aysha came and sat down beside me. She was really sweet actually. She was like "What's up?" I was like "...eh...stuff :/"
Then I got up and told her I didn't fancy crying in front of my PE class, then walked outside and sat in the fresh air. And I was alone there, so I did cry. I cried hard.

Kept crying all the way back to the changing rooms, rubbing at my face with my fingers and thinking about how no one ever seems to really care about anything. I got into the changing rooms. I cried, just a little, putting my trousers on. Hattie gently asked if I was ok and I full on burst into sobbing again. She put her arms round me and I sort of collapsed into her shoulder and chest for a minute or two. It was... weird. Not in a bad way. I just don't remember the last time someone comforted me like that. It just doesn't tend to happen. It was nice, though.

But I was just... a mess. I couldn't stop crying. So I walked home, deciding it was better to not go to science than to go to science and make a fool of myself and drown everyone. Went home. Made pathetic noises at my mum for a bit. She did that thing she always does where she tries to sort of comfort you but ends up almost having a go at you... yeah, it's weird.

I can't be bothered to explain any more. But yeah, that was pretty much my day.

great first day back or what?

lalaa

I don't have anything in a blog to say really. It's just, I had a look at my blog earlier and noticed all my most recent ones seem to be really fucking miserable. Things are actually pretty good right at this moment. I guess when things are proper good, I don't get online much- when i'm online 24/7, that's when things are a bit crap and I end up whinging or ranting on blogs.

I must watch that. Don't wanna end up like a few twats I know. Luuuulz.

I made my myspace look cool. Its got lostprophets and glitter. I don't think life gets a whole lot better than that.

Spoke to Daz for the first time in... eh. A bit. She's got some vodka and suggested I tried to think of something useful to do with it. I said we should wash our hair in it.

Mmm mmm. Well, that'd probably be more fun than drinking it.

I probably will drink it though... so... yeah. This might be a tad pointless.

I think i'll sleep in a cardi tonight, la la la. I'm listening to Bon Jovi. Oh yes.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA. WE'RE HALFWAY THEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE.

Prepare for a wound.

Yeah, so fear is a weapon of mass destruction. And it scares a hell of a lot of people. And I'm used to people trying to intimidate me or whatever. But you know what, it hasn't happened for a while.

Until like half an hour ago. I got a text saying "Im goin 2 smash your face in u fat lesbo cunt"
From a number I don't recognise/have stored in my phone.

Gosh. How original. No one's EVER threatened to beat me up before! Or called me fat! or "lesbo"! Whatever will i do?!


[/sarcasm]

Whoever this fucker is, I don't give a damn. If they were gonna beat me up, I reckon they'd just beat me up. God knows, one or two people have threatened it before. Anyway, I think they would just do it. Get it done. Find me, hit me, beat me up, make my nose into a blood fountain. Whatever. I don't think they'd send me texts first. What'd be the point? It's just someone trying to bully me. again.

Fuck you.

This isn't the first time
It won't be the last
"Tonight I'm coming for you, girl."

Wow.

Epic.

Fucking.

Fail.

Just been to my second maths revision session. Surds.

I tried. I asked. I was explained to.

I still don't get it.

I don't think I ever will.

Someone help me find a job that doesn't require a maths GCSE? Please?
Because I really don't think I can do this.

I know most people say they struggle with maths but then they pull through but... I honestly don't think I will. I can't can't can't do them and I feel unimaginably stupid right now.

I slept really early last night and I still felt really tired all day.
Stressed.
Irritable.
Crap.

I need... something other than this. I need to write something and for it to be amazing. No, not just "everything you write is amazing" or anything like that. I want it to feel amazing. I want it to have power. Make someone cry. Make someone laugh. I need to feel like there's something that balances out my minus IQ where numbers are concerned.

I need reassurance. I need people to be nice to me. I need Lostprophets new album.

I need to get a fucking grip.


:/

We've got a red light.

Our hair is perfect while we're all getting shit wrecked
It's automatic, honey. But we've got no money.
Daddy i'm so sorry, so s-s-sorry yeah. We just like to party.
Like to p-p-party yeah.


(h)

Oh I am sooo cool. Ehh. Blame Hattie for my above outburst. She's got me into this flippin' Lady Gaga stuff.

My head itches. Maybe it's because i'm wearing the same alice band i've been wearing all day, and the sweat has got stuck to it and is now on my head and makin' it itch. Or maybe it's because i've had to use this fucker of a BRAIN so much today! >.<

I did a fuckload of writing over the weekend. And read one of the best stories i've found in a long time. Imo. Then I worked today in English, basketball/pe, science, maths and extra maths.

oh yusss. I iz failing. I have to get a note signed and everything. What joy. I am trying, now, though. M'goin' to these frickin' revish seshes.

Wooooooooooooo apostrophes.

Not only have I been doing all that. I've just done a load of science homework, and now i'm trying to do French... but nothing's actually going through to my brain. faaaail. I'm too worn out and tired after working all day and having about four hours sleep. Today I have consumed two weetabix's and some milk, a glass of water, two proplus pills, a cupcake, some malteasers (it be Joey boyos birthday, a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of toast.

Christ. No wonder my skin is so bad.

I'd like to update tonight. But that will not happen. I don't have the mental energy or creative capacity right now. I blame school. I blame Watkins. I blame Smith.

But I do not blame Aled. Because I've resolved those issues. :file:

noise and kisses

xx

Money.

...is a right bugger.

See, here's the thing. I don't really have any. I never really have had a huge amount. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend i'm really hard done by. I'm quite obviously NOT really hard done by because I have internet and I go to gigs and I get to like... eat and stuff. BUT. Y'know, we've never had LOADS, my dad and I are moving into his girlfriend's [should there be an apostrophe there? I have no idea.] council house soon because we can't afford ours, my mum mostly buys tesco value food and I am entitled to free school dinners (...I think. I just keep forgetting to apply. >.<) So yeah... I live in council houses and I only buy music magazines if there's a Lostprophets poster or something cos I can't afford them... stuff like that.

Anyway. I'm trying to say that i'm used to not really having much. I don't mind. Really, I don't. But right now i'm in deep shit, money wise, because I'm £60 in debt. I don't have a job and I'm still only in school so I don't get any EMA. I owe my mum £30, for bloody posters (damn you ebay and damn you lostprophets and damn you my own brain for being such a clingy little freak) and I owe my girlfriend £30 for a ticket to a gig.

I will pay them both back, coz... yeah, it'd be really shitty of me not to. And I don't think they'd let me get away with it, and quite right too, because I shouldn't. But yeah, I think i'm going to have to not eat lunch for several weeks to pay them back. That or get a job... but there are no good jobs going round here. No one can afford a babysitter what with the recession and all, it's the wrong season for teenage washer uppers in pub kitchens and I am NOT doing a paper round. >.<

Why can't I just get paid for going to school? I would totally start paying attention if they paid me. I'd even try in MATHS. MATHS! MATHS! The subject that usually involves me crawling under the table, whimpering, laughing hysterically at my failure, drawing a fail line on my arm and talking to Jordy about smoking pot. >.<

I'm such a fail. And I'm such a whingy spoilt brat. I know, I know. ;)
I'm fully aware of my own obnoxiousness and how unoriginal I am. Shh.

Wanna know something ironic?

That £30 gig ticket... is for Fall Out Boy. And I'm only going to see them so I can see Kids In Glass Houses. Who I've seen four times already. La de da. I have a problem. It's called insanity.

And why am I doing a blog whinging about money and my lack of it and all that crap when, y'know, there are kids in Africa DYING right now because they don't have enough food or water. There are people who DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT and i'm buying posters off ebay with my mothers money?! I hate myself, in the same way that I hate the human race. We're a plague, the majority of us, a goddamn plague!

My TBO SLNL shirt never turned up. How annoying. Luce said she's going to call them up and see where our shirts are. If we don't get them/a refund, I am so totally going to pull Gavin Butler's beard. Pfft.

This has gone on bebo, myspace and mibba already...

1. I like things that sparkle.
2. I like free stuff.
3. I write a lot.
4. I don't have a sexuality.
5. I hate maths.
6. I rarely back down from an argument/fight.
7. I like fantasising.
8. Underneath everything, i'm an extremely clingy person.
9. I steal too much.
10. Lostprophets have been my favourite band for two years.
11. I like staying up all night.
12. I have dyed red hair.
13. I love pizza hut.
14. I enjoy drama, but I know I'm not great at it.
15. I work better alone.
16. I can read extremely quickly.
17. Mine and Grace's dinosaur walk pwns.
18. I wish I had a shower.
19. I first took class A drugs when I was 14.
20. I miss her.
21. I'm very lazy.
22. I'm weigh quite a bit more than most of my friends but I don't want to lose weight because I don't want to conform to the status quo of how I supposedly should be.
23. I hate it when people are weak.
24. I don't like tea.
25. I don't want to grow up.
26. I hate being in teams because I need the freedom of failure.
27. I rarely revise.
28. I have a glow in the dark rubber duck.
29. No one ever stands up for me.
30. I'm ungrateful and spoiled.
31. I don't care about money; money means nothing.
32. I call people "bitch" as a term of endearment a lot.
33. Everyone thinks i'm scary. I'm not. Just a little girl with a big mouth.
34. I adore the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
35. I have a phobia of abandonment.
36. This is turning into one of the most honest things i've written in a while.
37. I have a blog which I named after writing on a top of mine.
38. I own one proper dress,
39. It's not me, it's you.
40. I can be really stroppy and really moody and really annoying.
41. My hair doesn't get brushed that much.
42. I always seem to get stuck in Newport on the train.
43. I enjoy history.
44. I think natural blonde hair is incredibly beautiful.
45. I waste a lot of time in front of a computer screen.
45. I love Fight Club and Finding Nemo equally.
46. I am a mixture of a bitter, cynical old person and an excitably eager toddler.
47. I have no style. I just wear whatever I find on the floor.
48. I sing a lot. Badly.
49. Not many people will have read this far.
50. I like wearing alice bands.
51. Gigs are great.
52. I cry if i'm really angry and there's no one to shout at.
53. The further I get down this list, the more I wonder why anyone is friends with me.
54. I like studded belts. I wore mine so much they fell apart.
55. I like stickers.
56. I don't give a damn about merits.
57. I feel like I've failed more when I do follow the rules.
58. I believe Graffiti is art in its purest form.
59. Storms are fun.
60. I'm not sure why i'm putting all this on the internet.
61. I like cardies.
62. I write fanfiction even though I think it's wrong.
63. I wish I was more literate.
64. Smarties are so pretty.
65. Jelly tots are a good breakfast.
66. High street clothes shops give me panic attacks, headaches and invoke thoughts of self-hate and suicide.
67. I still can't understand why i'm putting this on the internet.
68. I like listening to David Bowie with my family.
69. I'm very immature. LOL! 696969696969!
70. I blame this town for a lot of my insecurity.
71. I have so totally seen Ian Watkins half naked.
72. I'm sick of waiting for my school years to be over.
73. I wear little to no make up.
74. I want to pierce my lip someday.
75. Last Train Home makes me feel like everything's going to be okay, but at the same time it makes me want to cry.
76. I should probably stop writing this list now.
77. I don't want to.
78. I'm a pessimistic little cunt.
79. There is hope for the future. There has to be.
80. I'm going to cheat at grown up life.
81. Essays are fun.
82. I might add to this list.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

...is what Ian appears to scream in that bit in W.A.G.Y.A.J.
I dunno. Maybe Jamie screams it. I think Jamie screams more.
Eh. Either way, it's awesome. Like Lostprophets.

Like the poster that is getting delivered to me soon. 40 by 60 inches. TFSOP. Oh yuss. My obsession is really, really bad. Ahh. Makesa me happy though.

...Know what else is awesome? Staying up till... 07:08 Am. That's the time right now. And nope. I haven't slept since about half one yesterday afternoon. Wooooooooo.

I do enjoy staying up all night. I think it'd be easier for me to not sleep at all until friday night though, so... I'm going to go and get coffee.

Now? Or to wait until the end of sway..? hum. Decisions were never my strong point.

Oh, fuck it. I'll get some nao.

I hope you all have, have had, or are having a lovely friday. With a raunchy weekend planned.

Angsty rant ahead.

It seems to me like a lot of the things that I realise, or that hurt me, I realise much later on. Perhaps it's because I push things away, not wanting problems, all the while having the mental problems presented by this sort of shit. Then later, when it's... less of an issue, things bring themselves up like vomit inside my mind and heart and I start thinking.

Some months ago, I started going out with a friend of mine, who was called Daisy. Yes, Daisy was a girl. So yes, I was a girl, going out with a girl. We were never exactly exhibitionist about the relationship or anything but yeah, somehow, rumours got out and I ended up being a walking target for the single minded fuckers who think they're so funny for months.

People in my hometown, people in my school, they don't like gay people. Most of them. My own friends had no issue with it, so that was cool enough, or so I thought. Yeah... I do think. They're cool. Open minded. It's just a shame none of them bothered to do fuck all, you know?

The other night Danni and Grace and Hattie were staying at mine... and somehow we ended up being on about ages ago, when I was "being bullied."

It's funny, because I never really... thought of it like that at the time. What they mostly did was ask stupid questions designed to humiliate me and amuse other people around. I dunno how many times I rolled my eyes, or said fuck you or just brushed it off, or ignored it. I just... I pushed it all away, I guess I pretended it wasn't happening. I very, very rarely let it become visible that it bothered me in front of the bastards. I don't want to be a victim.

But yeah. It happened all the same, and you know what? I had to fight my own corner for the whole time. Because no one else spoke up for me.

So the other night... one of the things Danni said about that whole time sticks vividly in my mind now.

I don't know how you did that. If it was me I would have literally had a mental breakdown."

And they all went on to call me strong and all that bullshit.

Yeah. I did it all BY MYSELF. Because I HAD TO. Because YOU, supposedly my close friends, NEVER DID A THING. YOU NEVER TRIED TO STAND UP FOR ME, DEFEND ME OR SO MUCH AS HELP ME OUT!

I don't even remember any of them just going "ooh, are you alright?"

I didn't... press the issue with Danni as she said it and I realised it, I just kind of... thought about it a bit. I don't see the point in starting another fight now, especially as all of them are going through their own crap. Just... yeah.

I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be spineless. I will not be bullied.

...But sometimes, there's no stopping these buggers. Yeah, I held my head up, yeah I fielded every rude remark or joke sent my way with a snarling comment or a similarly insulting joke. Yeah, I acted like your words couldn't touch me.

But you know what?

I was a fucking mess inside. Thanks a lot for your help, guys.

Wasted youth.

Ah. Good old teenagerhood. I believe i'm becoming/have become a complete and utter classic teenager. I'm totally aware of my fulfillment in a stereotype, but you know, I don't mind all too much. How odd.

This weekend's been pretty good. Last weekend I didn't even leave my house, but I was busy this time. I got the girls to come and stay on friday night, and showed them Fight Club, which i'm quite proud of. I think everyone should see Fight Club at some point. We also consumed an amount of golden syrup cake icecream, which, amazingly is the nicest thing ever. It's gorgeous.

Saturday was also fun. I walked to Daz's and dragged Henry on the way, because he lives pretty near to me. Went to hers, more people appeared, smoked some, drinked some. S'good.
[That is to say, smoked some fags and some spliffs and drank some JD and coke, not to say more people appeared who I then smoked and drank. That'd be weird. And, you know, wrong.]

It was just... pleasant. The first time I've been out and hung out with people and not been checking the time and wanting to go home all the way through in... ages. It was all pretty much spontanteous, and it feels like that's the way it should be, no?

My dad noticed that my laptop was all dieydieydieyDIEDIEDIEYporn!PORN-POP-UPS!dieydiey last night and elected to sort it out. Cue a few hours of me watching Lost Boys and him being very !_! at the screen and trying to sort it out.

I believez it's ok nao. Woo. No more random vagina's in my face. :D


...oh yeah and I have homework which i'm not gonna do. Psh.

My name begins with an S.

And I look like a fat twelve year old choirboy.

Forget about guns.

And forget ammunition.
Cos I'm killing them all.
On my own little mission.
Now i'm not a saint.
But i'm not a sinner.
And everything's cool.
As long as I'm getting thinner.


they tried to get me to go to counselling again. I hate school with a fiery passion that just keeps getting more fiery.

I fancy taking shrooms again. Last time I did them I ended up staring at my hairband then collapsing into hysterical giggles because it was sparkly. For about four hours. It was bloody awesome.

I guess I just want a good time though, really. What with it being back into school and term time, I fear all of my time going towards education and their goddamn insitution... but let's not get into that. Anyone who knows me well will know that I have issues with school T_T

Uhm. Yah. woo. colours.
I have history today..seeing as it's just passed midnight... woo. I also have business studies...boo.

I have nothing interesting to write about or to contribute to the world.

Must buy a proper journal.

Putting everything on the net seems a tad risky to me. Also i'm trying to stop myself from getting into petty little arguments with people i've ever met, and if I was totally forthcoming and honest about what I thought of some people, there'd be no chance of that.

Also I can bitch and moan in a proper book. I see it like blogs ought to be somewhere I put thoughts that are more... intelligent? I'm not sure if it's intelligence I feel I should put into blogs or what really.

On another note, I love The Used! I'm listening for the first time in a bit and i'm reminded of how bloody awesome they are, especially their first album. Bah, they should come and tour the UK again. It's over a year since I last saw them. I guess when they've done their new album they probably will.

They better. ¬_¬

Yes... I know a few people HAVE at one time or other read this blog, but I don't think anyone actually does now. It'd be nice to know, if you do. So yeah, if you're reading, comment! Don't be sneaky! haha.

Something I hate this week is those people who have ebay machines. Y'know, so they outbid you by 20p, in the last ten seconds of the auction. Bah. They displease me.

I'd also like to mention that one of the few items of clothing I have ever been banned from having by my mum is the blackout's "Spread Leg's not lies" shirt. I now want said shirt possibly more than any other shirt I have wanted in my life. Of course, mummy say no, so I gave a tenner to Lucy (Who has an internet money account thing) and she's ordered me one.

(Y)

"These ideas are nightmares."

"To white parents who's worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings. "

I think I might start listening more to types of music outside of rock this year. I mean, its never been the only genre I exposed my ears to, but I really think i'm likely to step outside of it this year. I've been into Eminem since I was in year seven, so since I was... twelve, I think. I'm listening to Winehouse lately, she is fantastic despite being a CELEBRITY. Getting more into Pendulum too, though I don't think I'll ever be one of those Drum n Bass kids. It's too samey. Pendulum are good, but I couldn't listen to them constantly.

Anyway. That sort of chased itself in a circle and quit at making sense. What i'm trying to say is, while I still love Lostprophets and The Used and The Blackout and Nirvana and all the rockish, metalish stuff I've been mad about for the last few years or so, I think my musical tastes are about to take a bit of a change. More of an... expansion though, really. I just feel a bit bored with the whole rock thing in a way. I love it for what it is but if I flick through K! or RS, they're full of bands I don't care about. A lot of them... sound the same.

It's fun to try new genres. It's like... you have no idea what's what so you're giving everything an equal chance. You don't really have much of an idea of any of it so you're not jaded about it yet and you don't bicker with people over which sub-genres are bullshit and which are decent.

So one new thing for 2009 shall be music exploration, I do believe. : )